I wrote this on letterstocrushes.com this morning. I feel as though it deserves some sort of formal documentation. This is not fiction; this is feeling. Sorry for the slightly misleading category of "Teen Fiction." This is, however, for teens.
What they don't tell you about eating disorders is that they aren't something you can just recover from.
No, not at all. I will never stop wanting to run to the bathroom after a meal. It might become less prevalent, but I still want it. I will never stop feeling fat and completely unattractive. I will never love myself the way we girls are told to.
But to make it that much worse, it's not just about appearance for me; it never has been. It's about coping and punishing myself. I become so enraged with how I act, hurting myself from the inside is almost pleasurable. Well, it is. And then it's so easy to deal with emotions. It's like every awful thing balls up in the pit of my stomach and I can just throw most of it up.
My friend once told me that "some girls can just, like, throw up on command." No fucking way; I'm not impressed. It's awful.
Because I am destroying my esophagus and greatly increasing my risk for heart attack. My teeth seem white, but I'm sure they're dull. I'm putting strain on most of my body. This is disgusting.
So I quit.
And all I want, is my demented crush, my (bulli) Mia. She isn't male or female. Mia is friendly to whomever will accept her. I did so long ago that I can't even remember. I brought Mia in as something to do every once in a while.
Ha. Funny.
So I'm a ball of emotions now; I cry all the time. I used to pride myself on being strong. People would tell me that they wished they were as strong as I was. God, I'm such a good liar. This is the problem with the world, people like me.
All I want to do is vomit and I lie. I hurt myself and I LIE. There are starving children probably within two miles of my house and I binge and I purge and I lie!
Binged, purged, lied.
I guess I miss it.
But I still hate myself. I know Mia is always there to make me feel better.
Our relationship is destructive.
