What the frick is a soulmate? I hate that term. It proves that any other person you've liked in the past was a failed attempt at "the real deal".
Dear people of Wattpad,
By people of wattpad I really mean myself, because that's what writing really is to me: a whole bundle of rhetorical questions and self-loathing. In fact, there is only one person that ever reads any of the unfinished crap I make. Let me tell you tomorrow is going to be pretty fucking awkward if she reads this.
(Hi Abbie!)
So here's some background to the mess that is my hormonal teenage life right now. Me and my dad got in a fight and now I go out of my way to avoid him. It's not a big deal he just basically told me I was worthless and I've never made him proud. Oh, How could I forget?! He also said that my anxiety isn't real and proceeded to make fun of my panic attacks. Just typical stuff I guess.
My moms pretty cool I guess but if I tell her any of this she will say the same thing: "why are you sad? God has given you such wonderful things. He has a plan for you". Okay sure, I'm religious, but I'm also a raging control freak. I can't handle having the fate of my life held by a man who ultimately decides weather burn in literal Hell, or live in paradise. I want to have at least some control in what I do, and yes, that involves not being sad.
This year has been a train wreck. I wish I didn't try so hard to grow up. By the way, trying to act older is worse and it will lead to awful situations you only see on tv. But that's a story for a different day.
All my friends are geniuses or spread radiance with every step the take. Cool right? Yeah welp, no. They can also suck. Sorry. I know everyone has there difficulties fitting in but sometimes I feel like they deliberately don't involve me. No I have nothing wrong with being alone but sometimes it really sucks knowing all my friends are hanging out without me. This brings down my self esteem and I'll admit it.
Well, shit. If this wasn't depressing enough then let's role right into the sad crap. I've always had a crush on a guy. Ever since I met him and it really stinks. It was really small at first but now it's actually overwhelmingly, stupidly, definitely there. So fuck. He's my best friend and at one point he liked me too. Fun. So anyway, it fricken great to know that after we broke up which neither of us actually did, (It was executed by an old friend who thought I didn't deserve him. Granted, I didn't. I still don't.) he no longer tolerated me. It took a while but we're kinda close again. He takes me home from school everyday so of course we talk. We never actually are alone together, and therefore, have never actually talked about anything serious. I really wish we could because his stupid face makes me cry knowing that I'll never tell him how hard this is for me.
I've never been a real jealous type, but now I guess I am. But I guess I know we won't ever be together. My friend, Elise 100% clarified that. I don't know, but deep down, I feel like one day past all this high school bull shit we might have a chance.
But what do I know? I'm just stupid 16 year old with nothing really going for her anymore.
Dear myself,
As I'm the only one reading this, I hope one day I can go back in the dusty closet of my studio apartment with exorbitantly high rent, and pull out this old computer. I'll spend a month with it on my counter, searching online for a charger because by then chargers will be made out of solar power or some other crystal healing hippie shit. Once it's finally charged I'll spend hours going through the old apps and find a strange orange one called wattpad. In there, I'll find this note.
I hope I find this note. If I do it means I didn't die. If I do it means I didn't give up.
Dear life,
Ha you thought you got me? Nah. I have a lot more fight in me. And though I have scars and burns from trying to quit at the beginning, I am known to be a competitive person.
Dear life,
I will win.
Still very much here,
Keziah
