i don't know, and i don't know why

17 and 4 months

Hey Jared,

I know your at Philmont right now, and I also know that I probably won't ever send this message, but talking to you, or at least pretending to is comforting. I'm having a panic attack right now, worse then usual. It feels like there's someone sitting on my chest, and like hands are pulling apart my ribs. Breathing hurts and my heads spinning and my vision is foggy.

There's something wrong with me, and I know that, I just can't figure out what it is. I don't know what I'm freaking out about. But my whole body is telling me I need to panic.

I always say I don't know why they happen, but I'm starting to see a correlation. Every time I work open swim at the pool I have an attack. I overthink and start excessively processing every detail. I need to stop working open swim, everything always flairs up then

I was thinking about myself. I've built up walls around myself. So many goddamn walls. To make me confident and happy and funny and accepted, and I genuinely don't think I could let them go down.

You were the best thing that has happened to me for so long. You made me feel so special and funny, and like the facade I was putting up could be real. You listened to me, and when I told you about what happened freshman year, all you wanted to do was help. And I needed that. I needed to hear that I was normal.

Then at the game, when Alex told me that you were interested, I freaked out. I couldn't believe someone actually cared enough about me to want anything other then friendship.

I said that I didn't know what I wanted. I think that I was lying. I wanted to be with you so bad. I wanted to have the kindof intimacy with someone that could come with a relationship. And I thought I could do that with you.

You made, and make, me happy. But I couldn't rate down those fucking walls to let you in. I let doubt raid my mind and make me overthink our every interaction. I pushed away the idea of us being together because I don't know how to let people in.

I don't know who I am without the walls around my head and heart, and so I stopped you from climbing them to save myself, and to stop myself from being vulnerable.

I'm sorry for what I said that Sunday, and I hope you know, every time we text, I regret what I said.

I care about you so much.

You are a constant in my life, and having you gone these two weeks for Your hiking trip is making realize how much you matter.

Fuck. Just the thought of you is making my breathing easier.

That sounds so cliche.

But it's how I feel

If I ever decide to send this, which I won't, just know that I'm willing to try again if you are. You're one of the best guys I've ever met

I miss you.