Aroha Marathi

22 Thoughts

Another year, another day of birth gone.
She didn't really expect anything to be perfect or even relatively good on her birthday.
She didn't really feel like it was something to celebrate, or even really care about.
But the tiny baby orc in her head, fantasied about feeling special for a day, having the best day where she would laugh harder than any day before, and have attention that wasn't negative.
They had gone to the beach in Solitude together, Mithra, Farran, and she. But as she sat on the rocky shore, her heart sank further into her chest. Farran was distracted, worried about her future, and career, and Mithra was burned out from working so much with very little rest. Aroha herself, was in a funk from being sick with the Rattles, and inadvertently gave it to Mithra during their week long excursion, which didn't help the Altmer's mood at all.
Picking up tiny white shells on the shoreline, the Orc joked about how they looked like little hats. Dwarven hats, painted white and left for the mud crabs. Mithra had glanced over, a small bemused smile crossing her lips, probably due to the fact that this was the closest to Aroha's true self she had gotten over the week. Farran had smiled too, joining in between elongated moments of getting lost in her own worried thoughts. It really shouldn't have bothered Aroha so much, especially not days after the fact. None of them had really been themselves during the so-called vacation. They had fun at times, yes, but it was always muddled by something. So as the other two were out and about, back working and doing what they needed to, Aroha laid on the fur skin of their shared dwelling, back in Solsthiem. Empty bottles of ale surrounded her from the Retching Netch, needing to be disposed of before her friends got home. Aroha didn't hold liquor well, and it usually made her sad or angry. This time, it was just sad. Just enough sad to allow herself to feel through her emotions, no matter how childish they felt. She didn't blame Farran or Mithra. They both had asked her if she was okay, and the Orc replied kindly with "Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I be?". They both had apologized, and Aroha had accepted their apologies happily, reassuring them not to worry.

Because Aroha felt like it was more her own fault. At worst, that she wasn't really worthy of such things. That was always a reoccurring thought. Never being worthy of a day to enjoy herself with her friends, lest it be spoiled by something. But at the same time, she hadn't been herself either. Communication with her parents throughout their trip had reverted her mind to the subtly abused child she had been when she was younger.
Frightened, meek, afraid of her own shadow.
Afraid of hurting those who said they loved her, even when she was hurting because she couldn't just say what was bothering her.
Even now, thousands of miles away, days later, she felt alone and scared. She wanted to hide, and disappear in one way or another.
She felt silly, as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks only to wet the straw filled pillow beneath her head.
I should be grateful they came with me at all. They really didn't have to, but they wanted to. That was special enough...
But at the same time, she felt more exhausted now than she did before the trip. More confused and sad in a way. Less in other ways, but.. it was too confusing for her alcohol influenced mind to fully sort through at the moment.

So for right now, maybe I'll just cry.
And wait until it's time to make dinner for them.