The Memory Room

Austin

***
They find a quiet shaded spot on the green hill by the Capitol, and collapse from the effort of the hot walk.
"John," Cait asks, "why do I feel so convicted? Why does my heart wander like this, like with us? What kind of woman have I become? This doesn't even feel like adultery—so why do I feel so guilty?"
John thinks for a bit. He looks into Cait's eyes a little deeper, a little longer. "Cait, did you ever use contraception?"
"No" she admits.
"Did you ever have an abortion?"
"No! God, no!!" she says.
His blue eyes focus on her. "Then what you have—what you desire, what you want—is real. You are operating with the same desires you've had for your whole life. Those feelings and those urges just don't go away. What you want to share with me is not filled with pain or with loss. You're not filled with self-loathing and hate for an ex-husband. You're not doing this for revenge, or—"
She opens her mouth to speak, but he continues. "I feel the same thing with you, Cait. I share this all with you. Our love is delightful. It's in you and around you. It stirs me up with a heat inside. A desire, Cait. I can't turn it off. Adultery causes harm because of hate, because of jealousy. We don't have any of that, do we?" He touches her ear, then trails his finger from her ear to her mouth, over her lips, down her neck. "We just love one another."
"What about the vows, though? Until death do us part? John?"
He sighs. "When you saw him yesterday, what exactly did he say about his memory? About how it works?"
"He said that as long as he was in the room, his memory was complete"
John thinks for a moment. "How long were you able to stay in the room? One hour? One hour and ten minutes? Did you still love him?"
"Yes!" she says.
"Can you live with him in that room?"
"No."
"Is he married to you, in any real way? Are his vows being fulfilled? Is he fulfilling your needs? Comforting you? Cherishing you? Cait, these questions are not about manipulation. I'm trying to orientate you. These are the questions that will let you live again. These are the questions I need you to answer—for our future.
"The world is so full of contradictions. The essence can't be easily understood—we can only agree to cooperate with love. When we cooperate with love we respect its boundaries, and sometimes guilt follows. But if we cooperate our love will grow wildly. That's where we are, Cait."
John holds her closer and tighter and with that she feels the entirety of her being relax.
John breaks the silence and says, "Come on. Let's fly to Vegas and see him—together, this time."
***