pieces of me

hunter

I can remember the first time as if it was yesterday, the cold kiss of the blade against my skin; how the bitter sting of the blood the flowed down my arm made me feel both fear and darkness wrap  and etch themselves onto me, become part of my soul and taking up space in my heart.

All i could think of was maybe you wouldn't touch me if i was broken, maybe you'd stay away from me but the more i broke myself, the more you came "trying to piece me back" in your own sick and twisted way.

It's been a year and i can still feel your hands snaking up my thighs underneath the dinner table. I can still smell your breath hot on my neck: mint still makes me want to vomit. I can't sleep most nights, the nightmares: they come back and haunt me. Flashbacks terrorise me during the day. And I can still your face in crowds: i feel you watching me like you said you would.

I don't go out anymore, I'm always paralysed with fear that you'll find me and punish me like you used to. I sometimes don't wear belts; they remind me too much of the beatings. I can't stomach chicken curry. It reminds me of the starvation you would put me through for not doing what you wanted or doing it the way you liked.

I've become friends with the dark, you hated the dark because you couldn't find me and when you did, you couldn't see me or touch me properly. I hide in dark spaces to run away from the memories and voices.

You came to seem me after my baby was born. I remeremember the rotten odour that decided to make itself at home in my room, you came in as fast as the night and as heavy as the wool you used to pull over ny eyes. You smiled and the breath got trapped in my lungs, refusing to come out and just like that, i have forgotten how to breathe. Just like when i used to hear your footsteps coming toward my room.

You stretched out your hand and stroked my hair causing me into slip into the darkness. Her screams and cries rip me out of the limbo i was placed under. I want to scream at you to let her go. The smile you have plastered on your face makes me sick. "She reminds me of you when you were this age. I watched you and waited till you were old enough to play with me."

Rage fills my body to the brim, my heart now controls my body: bringing back all the memories and feelings you put in me. You put her down in her cot, and looked at me expecting me to do something, which I do.

Maher, you created a monster in me, grooming me with the hate you made me feel. You didn't see it coming, not even for a second. I finally found my voice;even if it was too late, i grabbed the pair of scissors on my cabinet and lunged at you. The blades bit into your skin with a sickening sound that was supposed to rip me out of this hysterical moment but it made me want more.

Your screams were fuel to my fire, over and over I plunged the blades into you while the blood splattered everywhere, the fear in your eyes gave me euphoria. You were always scared of dying because you knew that you would never see the gates of heaven. You begged as I did but that didn't stop me. In fact it made me go slower, so you could feel the pain and suffer like I did.

Finally the predator become the prey, finally you died, i watched the colour drain out of your body and the blood ooze out of the puncture wounds I left. You will never touch or hurt her. I refuse to make the same mistake as my mother.

I cried as i held her, thanked God for helping me finally slay my dragon.
You created a monster in me but you forget that creation will turn against its creator to protect its own...