Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! -Billy Connolly
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. -Alexander Woollcott
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. -Ambrose Bierce
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. -Andy Borowitz
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. -Ann Landers
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. -Ann Landers
I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical. -Arthur C. Clarke
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -Billy Sunday
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. -Bob Hope
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. -Clarence Darrow
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. -Clint Eastwood
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