A Thousand Miles Away

Chapter 34

  Ummm...hello..hi...HELLO omg GUYS!!! It's been like four flipping YEARS 😅 how have you been? So crazy stuff. Came back onto Wattpad which unfortunately I sort of fell off of the past few years. Went into my thousands of notifications and thought huh...I really should've continued this. People seem to like it and I've let them down. For that I'm so sorry. Also went into my DMs and some people thought I died. Good news I'm alive 😂 and I'm back! I stayed up until 3am on a work night trying to reread this whole thing and figure out where I was going with it. Honestly, I don't remember my plan but I quickly fell back in love with my babies and need their story to continue. I hope some of you are still around. I know it's been forever but I appreciate all the continued support. I hope I'm as good of a writer as I was when I was 17. I feel like my style has almost definitely changed but I hope you enjoy. I love you all ❤️

"Major improvement physically...mentally however is a different story." I could hear my therapists and doctors talking outside the room. They forgot to close the door all the way. I sat sunken in the chair. My shirt hanging off of me. My shorts about three sizes too big with the belt pulled all the way. Josh squeezed my hand. I could feel the pained look on his face without even looking.

"Up the meds?" One asked.

"I think that's our only option." My therapist said. I banged my head back on the wall behind me.

"Jas..." Josh whispered but I just shook my head and closed my eyes. The therapist walked in.

"Alright Jasper, we're going to up your dosage on your antidepressants." He said as he sat down.

"No." Was all I said. He sighed and looked over his papers.

"We're running out of options. We tried you on other medications, you refuse to go to counseling..."

"I'll go to counseling." I mumbled.

"We can set that up. We'll try it for a month and go from there."

"Thanks doc." I mumbled. We all stood up and he shook both our hands. Josh and I walked silently out to the car. I was weak. So weak. It's been about a month since the party with everyone. Mike went back to California for work. He should be back in a month or two. Charlie's visiting family in Florida. Hopefully he's back soon. My sweet sweet Josh...oh Josh. I watched him as he focused on the road, quietly humming to the radio. He has been my rock. I wouldn't be here without him but I know I'm a burden. My medicine stopped working so I'm constantly having nightmares, can't eat, can't sleep, can barely walk...can barely think. I'm a shell of a person and I hate myself for it. I've been back for a long time now but it feels like things are getting worse. Technically my wounds are healing but my mental state is suffering. I pulled the sun visor down and looked at myself in the mirror. Or at least the reflection that I'm supposed to believe is me. Dark circles under my eyes and hollowed out cheeks. I brushed my fingers over the small scar that ran across my cheek and down under my chin. Felt my ear where a tiny chunk was missing, leaving my earlobe not so lobey. Small things no one cares about. Neither do I but recently all I can think of are my imperfections. I clenched my shaking right hand and turned my arm looking at the scars scattering my forearm and bicep. Turned it back over to see the huge scar running from the back of my wrist to the middle of my arm. Hair was growing back all scattered and weird. Scars that'll never properly heal and I have to live with for the rest of my life as a reminder of that horrible day.

  "Jasper..." Josh whispered. I closed the sun visor and looked over to him. He's so perfect, I thought. He's an angel come down from heaven.

  "Yes Josh" I responded matching his tone. He looked sad. Like he'd been beaten down and backed into a corner with no escape. That's what I did to him. Without taking his eyes off the road he grabbed my hand and brought it to his leg.