Alone with You

The Meeting

"Digga!" Jonas said. He waved a hand in front of Matteo's face. 

"You there dude?"

"Yeah... yeah I'm fine." Matteo shook his head and refocused his eyes. He took a drag and exhaled upward, watching the smoke rise. 

"Are you ready to go?" He asked. Jonas had somehow managed to get them invited to a college party. With the number of girls Jonas had been screwing since his breakup with Hanna, Matteo couldn't say he was surprised he managed to get a college chick.

Matteo nodded and followed Carlos and Abdi to the door. They were arguing about whether Sam or Kiki is hotter. 

"You're obviously biased. Come on. If you weren't dating Kiki, wouldn't you say Sam is hotter?" Abdi asked in disbelief. 

"No way. Sam's alright, but Kiki's fucking gorgeous man." Carlos said wistfully staring off into the distance. Matteo rolled his eyes and walked out.

When they arrived, Sara immediately came over and kissed Matteo on the lips. He pulled away and stepped back uncomfortably. Sara's smile dimmed a little, but she remained cheerful. 
"Wanna dance?" She asked hopefully. 

Matteo shrugged and let her lead him into the mess of bodies. He slumped into her, wishing he was somewhere else. He'd grown tired of pretending all the time. He hated to lead her on, but being with Sara was nice. Comfortable. No one questioned whether Matteo was gay or not. He didn't have to lie if he pretended everything was fine.

They danced for a few more minutes until Matteo made up an excuse to go to the bathroom. He wandered around the party looking for the boys. He grabbed a bottle of beer and took a long swig. He continued searching until he found Jonas dancing with some blonde chick. He asked if he had any weed.  He didn't. Told him to check with Abdi. But before Matteo left he tells him, "Maybe you should take it easy. I don't want to have to drag your wasted ass home."

Matteo rolled his eyes and took another swig of beer. He eventually found Abdi on the balcony smoking a joint. Matteo got some weed and went back inside. Too many people. Too many bodies dancing together. Too hot in here. Too loud. Too overwhelming. Everything was too much. He felt his chest tightening and began to breathe heavily. Nononononononono. Not here.  He moved faster, trying to find somewhere secluded. Somewhere far far away from all the people. He felt his heart beating fast and his palms beginning to sweat. Nononononononono. He pushed toward the back of the house, trying doors. All of them were locked. He was getting frantic now. He had to getougetoutgetout. He finally found an unlocked door and pushed it open.  

"Can't you read? There's a sign that says-"  a boy began annoyedly. He stopped. Matteo slid against the door onto the floor and brought his knees to his chest, staring at the floor. He tried to steady his breathing but it was so hard. 

"Are you okay?" the boy asked. Matteo finally looked at him. He was gorgeous. He had olive skin and dark brown eyes. His hair was hidden by a beanie while his body was hidden by black baggy clothes. Concern was etched on his face as he approached Matteo. Matteo searched the room to find something to focus on. Unfortunately, the walls were all bare, so Matteo focused on the boy instead.  

"Hey, you're gonna be alright, ok? Just concentrate on breathing right now. Inhale-" the boy took a deep breath and Matteo followed suit. "Exhale-" the boy blew out his breath and Matteo released his as well. They continued the exercise for a few minutes and the boy spoke softly to him. He told him that he'd get through this, but Matteo knew he wouldn't. They'd just keep happening and Matteo would always feel like he was dying and powerless to stop it. It'd never get better. Matteo took shaky breaths and began to cry. He wished that he was at home, listening to music and smoking a joint. Instead, he was here, burdening some poor dude who just wanted to be left alone. The boy looked concerned and asked if he was ok. Matteo gave a little nod and hugged himself tighter.  

"Do you want anything? Some water maybe?" the boy asked him.  

"No," Matteo whispered. The boy hesitated before leaning forward to give Matteo an awkward hug.  

"Everything will be ok," he said.

Matteo wished he could believe it, but for now he just appreciated the boy's presence. Matteo let his head loll forward and rest on the boy's shoulder. He took a shaky breath and inhaled the scent of lavender laundry detergent. The boy released him and scooted over to sit next to him.  They sat silently side by side for a few minutes. The bass was pounding and Matteo's head hurt like hell. He momentarily closed his eyes but reopened them when the guy cleared his throat.

"I-um... I never got your name?" he asked.  

"Matteo.  You?"

"David," the boy responded.  

Matteo nodded and leaned his head against the door. If they had met under different circumstances, Matteo would have put a lot more effort forth to get to know David. He was cute.  But right now, he just felt drained. David shifted uncomfortably and gave him a side glance.  

"I used to get panic attacks a lot.  I went through a really-" he paused, thinking of how to word it "-shitty experience at my old school and had a hard time getting through it.  I never felt like they'd stop.  I had one pretty much every week."  A pained expression crossed his face as he remembered. "And since I've moved here, they haven't happened as often. I mean... once in a while, but it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be." He snapped out of his trance and slid his eyes over to Matteo's. Matteo turned his head to look at him, studying his gorgeous dark brown eyes.  

"Anyway, I'm telling you this to say that it gets better. You just need to get away from all the stress. Maybe get a therapist to give you tips on how to get through one. That's what I did.  So far, it's worked."

Matteo furrowed his brow. He didn't need to go to a therapist. He was perfectly fine. It wasn't like they were that bad. He could deal with them on his own. David noticed him shutting down and quickly changed the topic.  

"So, what're you doing here anyway? You don't look old enough to be in college." he said.

A corner of Matteo's mouth lifted. "Neither do you," he retorted. He waited a few seconds before saying, "I'm a senior actually." 

"So remind me how you somehow got yourself invited to a party for juniors in college?" David asked.  

"I didn't actually," he said. "My friend Jonas got invited."

David lifted his eyebrows in recognition. "Jonas Augustin?" Matteo looked at him curiously and nodded.  

"He's in my math class.  He borrowed my notes one time," David told him. Matteo's eyes widened in shock.  

"Wait- you go to Barnim?" David gave Matteo a look and nodded slowly, as if to say duh. Matteo was disappointed that he hadn't noticed him.  Although Matteo showed up to school high 95% of the time anyway, so not much could be expected of him.  

Matteo stared at David, studying his face. He stared at a few locks of hair that had fallen out of his beanie, aching to push them back. He studied David's chocolate eyes and his long, gorgeous lashes. His eyes flickered down to his nose and he noticed that he had a silver septum ring. Matteo had never had a thing for guys with piercings but David made him want to reconsider.  Finally, his gaze rested on his lips. He wondered what it'd be like to kiss those-

"I think the party's winding down. I can help you find Jonas if you want?" David said, pulling Matteo from his thoughts. Matteo grimaced at the idea of the boys having to help him when they could be partying. This had happened too many times and Matteo felt that they were tired of always looking after him. He knew that if he asked, they'd deny it and say that they didn't mind and that that's what bros were for. But Matteo did mind and he didn't want them to see him like this again. He had to keep up appearances.  

"Um... Is it alright if I stay here for a while?" Matteo asked. "I don't want to go home."

David mulled it over, thinking. "Ok," he said. "You don't have to go home.  We'll go somewhere else.  Somewhere better." 

Matteo looked at him quizzically. David got up from the floor and faced him, extending his hand. 

"Come on.  It'll be fun I promise," he assured him. Matteo stared unsuredly for a second.  Was he really about to go somewhere he didn't know with a person that he didn't know? Fuck it.  He reached out and took it.  

Published: July 16, 2019// Edited: July 1, 2021 (fixing verb tenses)