Don't believe everything you think.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
Shhhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.
If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.
I heard you changed your mind. What did you do with the diaper?
If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Are you from Memphis, 'cause you're the only ten I see.
I may not be Mr. Right, but I'll do ya until he shows up.
Did you have an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
I'm happier than Michael Jackson at a Harry Potter book signing.
We had a black out the other night...but the police made him get back in his car
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no wait, I take that back.
We Capricorns don't believe in horoscopes.
35% of all statistics are made up.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Excuses are like asses.... everyone's got em and they all stink.
The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me?
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be overjoyed.
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.
A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...
Wish in one hand and **** in the other and see which one gets full first.
Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.
I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
If at first you don't succeed... you're doing about average.
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.
Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the *** of reason goes unwiped.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I'm on a diet.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Rented cars are the only true "all terrain vehicle".
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
It is better to light just one candle...than to clean the whole apartment.
Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.
Some women are terribly hard to please...the rest are impossible!
At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.
My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose.
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Legalize maru...mawa...moua...mawo...ummm...Pot.
They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?
My girlfriend is so stupid, she thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository!
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
Men are like roses. Watch out for the pricks.
Practice makes perfect...but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?
Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Before you open your mouth to speak, make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
