Trigger warning: suicide, major character death. If any of this triggers you skip over to the next chapter
I run the small blade across the inner portion of my left arm for the first time that evening, relishing in the pain I'm causing myself. I deserve this. I deserve to bleed for what I've done. I drag the blade over and over again, each time a little deeper. How could I have been so stupid, to really believe I could be better?
With every new cut I engrave in my tanned skin I remind myself that I deserve to suffer like they did because of me. It's all my fault that they never lived to see their next birthday, to smile again, to laugh with their friends and family. I deserve this I think to myself as I dig the blade into my arm, deeper that I have ever dared to. Instead of the usual, minimal amount of blood, it gushes out like a waterfall. I've never cut this deep, and now I'm wondering why because this is the perfect way to really pay for the lives I've taken. So with that in mind I switched the blade to my left hand, gripping it harder, and in return blood poured out of my wound faster. I smiled weakly at the progress I achieved and looked at my right arm thinking of how I'm going to cut it. I decide to do it vertically so I'll bleed more. I dig the edge of my blade deep into my wrist and drag it all the way to the dip of my elbow. I look at the blood on both my arms with a weak but pleased grin, realizing that I'm probably gonna pass out from blood loss. And I was correct, I did indeed pass out, my last fleeting thoughts of what my lover would think of me right now.
I awoke expecting to see the blank white ceiling of my bathroom, but instead I was greeted by Steve kneeling over me putting pressure on my arms, trying to stop the bleeding. He's sobbing and shakily repeating the same goddamn thing, "please don't die on me Tony"
I dazedly look at him, the light is hitting him in all the right ways. He looks like an angel.
"Am I in heaven?" I rasp even though I know with all the horrible things I've done I'd never end up there.
The angelic man lets out a sigh of relief and turns his head and hollars for Clint who's bedroom was next door to mine. The archer came rushing into the bathroom, hearing the urgency in his voice.
"What the he-" was all Clint got out before Steve interrupted him.
"Come put pressure on his arms so he doesn't bleed out." The super soldier ordered through his tears. Clint comes over and replaces Steve's hands with his own, effectively slowing the bleeding. Steve crawls up closer to my face, cradling my pale face with shaky hands.
"Why baby? Why?" My lover questioned between sobs.
"Because I deserve it." I breathed out, my eyes starting to flutter shut. Steve looked at me as if I had just slapped him across the face, and just when he was about to say something I choked out my last words.
"I love you Steven."
