42 -ˏˋ park jihoon

day 20

just like nurse jacob had expected, i've got a bit of a cold from being in the rain outside yesterday. that's okay, though, because it was really worth it to get out for a while.

even better: there's finally someone older than me here. i guess the person who controls the guest list decided we needed a new face at our party.

anyway, his name is seunghun. he's a tall guy, pretty normal looking. he reminds me of those guys that play football at school, the ones who think they can control the place just because they know how to throw a ball around. i'm not a huge fan of the jocks, i have to say.

"yep," he said when kanye introduced him. "i'm seunghun. hey." he lifted one of his hands and sort of waved at us, then quickly put it back down on his lap and gave a dumb goofy grin, as if he knew how much of an idiot he looked like.

kanye waited a moment for him to say anything else, but he didn't. watching seunghun, i pondered if i'd looked as clueless on my first day there as he did. now i was a veteran. i also thought about if he looked at me and thought i was crazy, the way i'd looked at junkyu, haruto, and the others that day.

"is there anything you'd like us to know about you, seunghun?" the doctor finally asked.
"oh, right," seunghun said, as if his brain had just been on pause and kanye hit the play button. "i play football."

i laughed, just a tiny bit, but everyone seemed to have heard and stared at me. seunghun's eyebrows went all scowly and he said, "what?"

"nothing," i said. "it's just that i was actually thinking that you looked like a jock."

he smiled. "oh," he said. "in that case. yeah, i am." i guess he thought i was complementing him. anyway, he was silent for a moment, like he was deciding on what to say. then he just said, "i just get a bit down sometimes."

i almost laughed again. he sounded like such a child. "i get a bit down sometimes." yeah, most likely because it's so difficult being a popular jock and having everyone fall all over themselves whenever you win a dumb game. what an idiot.

still, it's kind of nice not being the oldest anymore. even though it was only for a day, and he's four years younger than i am, i definitely felt off when haruto left. that kid was a lot more mature than anyone really gives him credit for. it felt like he was the one born in the same year as me, rather than junkyu.

i was sort of afraid jeongwoo, junkyu, and jisun were going to make me play dolls with them or something. not that i think seunghun and i will be best friends or anything.

i wonder what he's here for. i know—he gets sad sometimes. who doesn't? but there has to be something more going on in that big head of his. i'd try to find out, but, honestly, i truly don't care. crazy is crazy. you either are or you aren't. like they are and i'm not. it's pretty basic.

i've kind of given up on convincing kanye that i'm not. after all, i've been here for three weeks tomorrow. that's almost half of my sentence. clearly, they won't let me out for my marvelous behavior. so now i just go to my sessions to talk about whatever. let kanye think what he wants.

like today. he wanted to talk about friends.
"do you have any friends?" he asked.
"define friends," i said.
"people you like spending your time with," he suggested. "people you share things in common with."

"do invisible ones count?" i asked. "because then there's mister ji q and mister choi new."
"let's stick to real ones," he said. i'm pretty sure he's getting used to me, because he didn't even tap his pencil or push up his glasses.

"mister ji q does not appreciate being called not real," i said. "he's crying. you should apologize."
kanye scratched his nose but didn't speak.
"fine. have it your way," i said after a while. "sure, i have friends."

"tell me about them," said kanye.
"why?" i asked him. "what do they have to do with anything."
"i'm just curious," he answered. "i'd like to know what you find important in a friend."

"cash is always good," i said.
"i was thinking more along the lines of personality," he said. "the qualities you find crucial for others to have."
"well, cleanliness is always good," i told him.
"what about honesty?" asked kanye. he totally ignores me now when i'm being sarcastic. i'm not sure if i should be offended or not.

"honesty is pretty overrated," i said.
"how come?"
"well, if you're always honest, then you have to tell your friends everything," i said. "and sometimes, it's just better not to."

"give me an example," said kanye.
"say she asks you if her jeans make her look fat," i said. "and they do. if you tell her that, she'll hate you."

"even if it's true?" said kanye.
"especially if it's true," i told him. "a true friend would lie and say that those jeans look great."
he wrote on his notepad. "are you writing notes for a self-help book?" i asked him. "because i have plenty of tips."

"so you don't think your friend would want to know that the jeans don't look good?" he asked.
"she already knows they don't," i said. "she just wants me to make her feel better. it's just one of those things you don't tell anyone, just like you'd never tell your friend you hate her boyfriend. or girlfriend," i added quickly. "boyfriend or girlfriend."

"isn't that being dishonest?" suggested kanye. "what if that person isn't right for your friend? shouldn't you tell them?"

"people tend to say they want to hear the truth, but i know they truly don't," i said. "like how many parents actually want to know if their kids are out there drinking and smoking? even if they question it, they just want you to say that everything's alright. then they can believe that it really is."

"and you think that's healthy?" he asked me.
"you tell me," i said.
"i'm interested in hearing what you have to say," commented kanye.

i waited a while before i responded. "what i think is that those glasses you have look horrendous," i said.

he looked surprised. then he glanced at the mirror that hangs on one of his walls.
"see," i said. "honesty isn't so great, is it?"