SPECTER

SPECTER (PROMPT 1)

Xiantia - Shan/ti/ya

__________

I ran as fast as I could after I parked my car. My footsteps are heavy on the cemented ground. My sight is starting to get blurry because of tears.

“Kuya!” I ignored my sister. I hurriedly entered our house and went upstairs to my room. I locked the door and throw my bag on the bed.

“Hindi. Hindi” napahilamos ako sa mukha at napaupo sa sahig. I held my hair tightly. I can feel my heart exploding in my chest. Nagtaas-baba ang balikat ko.  Isinandal ko ang ulo sa pintuan at pilit na pinakalma ang sarili.

“Kuya! Buksan mo tong pinto!” Cathy was knocking the door.

“Leave me alone Cathy!”

“Kailangan ka ni ate Xian—”

“I said fucking leave me alone!” Nakarinig ako ng mga hikbi galing sa kanya.

“Don't blame yourself Kuya. Hindi mo kasalanan. Walang may gusto ng n-nangyari” sunod kong narinig ang mga yapak niya papalayo.

I stumbled on my way to the bed. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko sa bag. I checked our last convo.

Aaaaaaaaaa....... Xiantia:

3:00pm

I called, di mo sinagot.

Sabay tayong uwi BB.

Libre mo naman ako, last day of class na ngayon 😊

3:30pm

Slr. Nakatulog ako sa class, wala prof e.

Can't. May dadaanan pa ko 😉

4:15pm

Hala 🙁 now ko pa nabasa mssg mo. Nandito ako sa room mo. Wala ng tao. San ka ba?

4:30pm

Hays, tagal reply. Uuwi nalang ako mag isa! Ta-taxi nalang ako! Pangit ka Blackburn 😛

If I only knew. Ibinato ko ang cellphone sa dingding. Nagkalasog lasog lahat ng parte nito. I tried to punch my head. I want to hurt myself.  Inihagis ko lahat ng gamit sa kwarto. Out of rage, out of pain, out of disappointment to myself. My room was already in chaos . I wept my heart out until I felt contraction in my throat. I laid myself in bed and closed my eyes. Why does our eyes felt heavy everytime we're done crying? Is this God's way of telling us that we should rest?

“Xiantia...” I pictured her beautiful face until I fell asleep.

There are days

I woke up and I pinch myself

You're with me not someone else