You Are A Pirate (COLDPLAY SHORT STORY)

Captain Guy Berryman

Once upon a time, there was a very handsome pirate captain named Guy. He was indeed, so handsome that he could seduce an elephant with just one look. He had some very loyal friends: Will, Chris and Jonny.

Will was the one who drove the ship, Jonny was the one who drew the maps and gave compasses to whoever needed them because of a Coldplay song from X&Y, and Chris was the man who played a harmonica to soothe Guy's wanted dramatic effects.

Jonny was probably the most important out of Guy's crew because they had no idea where they were in the sea. And Jonny was very convenient because he drew maps and Will followed them whether they were correct or not.

Will was also very important, because without him, the ship would sink and Guy didn't want to be a captain of a sunken ship.

Chris, on the other hand was a little different. If he didn't play a note right for Guy, some bad stuff would happen.

For example in the beginning of this story, he did play a wrong note. So, Guy took action and threw him off the ship. This is what happened. He was thrown and forced to swim the seas where the sharks were afraid of him due to Chris' beautiful, built body. But of course, it could never be even a little as beautiful as Guy's.

Will saw that and came over to the captain, he asked him "why did you do that?"

"Don't question the captain and his orders" Guy replied.

"Okay, but why would you throw him off the ship? That was a little mean, don't you think? The boy can't sing, so atleast keep him on the boat"

"Well, that's exactly why I threw him off in the first place. He can't sing"

Guy and Will kept roasting Chris' singing, but then Chris interrupted them by making clicks because he made friends with the dolphins, and now he turned into a dolphin himself. Everybody was so confused. Jonny then yelled over from the spot that was not mentioned in the story: "Oh my God! Who's driving the ship? We're gonna crash into an ice berg and become the next Titanic!"

Then Guy takes out his sword and poses it towards the sun for dramatic effect and says "we are going to make it alive, all you need to do is trust me and listen to me" Chris started clicking again, "no!" Guy yelled at Chris, "stop it, you're now with the dolphins, we don't need you anymore. You can go ahead and become the next Aquaman, but you can't live on land, we can't save you"

Chris started crying and said, "you're such a fucking asshole, Guy"

Guy sighed, "okay, fine. Should I get Shakira the shark to eat you now? Because, apparently you're a dolphin, but you have no idea how to swim, dumbass"

"That was a little mean" Will said.

"I don't care because I'm the captain and you have to listen to me, not tell me what to do. Do you want to become a dolphin too, Will?"

Will felt scared, "No, no thank you. I completely support you killing Chris Martin with Shakira the shark"

"I'm outta here! I hate all of you and I will become the next Aquaman and kill you all when you get on land!" Chris yelled and dived into the water to swim with his fish friends. He was so happy. His wish became true, he wanted to be a fish, he was now a fish. But he could not be a bird, so that was sad. Atleast he could call himself a Stardolphin now.

"You idiot!" Guy yelled at Will, "Chris has ran away! Now we can't use Shakira the shark for anything else!"

"It's better if you just make shark fin soup out of her" Jonny said.

"Wow, you're a genius, Jonny. Why aren't you the captain?" Guy replied.

Jonny got excited, "you're gonna promote me?"