Crash Into Me

Chapter Eighteen: Eli

The pounding in my head wakes me from a deep and foggy sleep. Trying to recollect my memories from last night, I sit up and wait for the room to stop spinning. I feel like I'm still intoxicated from alcohol I don't remember drinking. I faintly remember going to dinner with Alli and my friends. We had a really good time and the night seemed to be going perfect. I vaguely recall being upset with her and driving away from her apartment. My mind reaches a block and I can't get past it. What else happened last night?

I touch my hand to my throbbing head, trying to ease the pain as I get up and stagger to the bathroom to find some Tylenol. I probably got too drunk and blacked out after I got home. Whatever happened, I must have been pretty damn upset to drink exorbitant amounts of alcohol to the point that I can't remember anything else.

Opening up the medicine cabinet, I pull out the Tylenol bottle and spill out two white horse pills, taking a swig from my water bottle to wash them down. My mind still isn't cooperating and I'm left wondering what could have happened. I make my way back to my bed and pick up my phone from the night stand. No missed calls or texts. I'm trying to remember if Alli is mad at me or if I'm mad at her. Either way, I can't stay mad at her for more than a night. There's only one way to find out what happened at this point. I fumble through my phone and click on Alli's name.

The sound of the call connecting fills my eardrums with white noise before the phone starts to ring. The ring is way too loud for this hang over. I click the volume down button and wait patiently for her to pick up. The phone rings three times before I hear her voice.

"Hello?" Alli sounds strangely sad and optimistic at the same time.

"Hey. Are you okay? What happened last night?" My voice still sounds sleepy and cracks as I speak.

"Yeah, I'm all right. What do you mean what happened last night? Don't you remember?" She's as confused by my black out as I am.

"The last thing I remember is driving away from you place last night. I guess I must have blacked out or something. I honestly don't even remember getting home or going to bed."

"Oh. Well that's weird. You really didn't drink much at dinner. You don't remember our conversation in your car last night?"

I scrunch my brows together trying to recollect my thoughts. I remember the look of agony on Alli's face and the feeling of pure anguish when we spoke in the car. Bits and pieces of the conversation sew together in my mind.

"Barely. I just know whatever it was, it wasn't good."

"No, it wasn't." She breathes out a breath of anxiety. I feel a little panicky and want to fix whatever might have happened as soon as possible. I can't stand the idea of her being upset with me.

"Do you want to come over? We can talk about it. Maybe you can help me remember what the hell happened last night."

The line is quiet for a few long seconds before she finally speaks up. "Okay. I'll see you soon."

"See you." I hang up the phone and sit on my bed, scratching my head and still confused. My phone buzzes and I turn it up toward my face: Your father and I are excited to meet Allison tonight. Love you.

Shit. I forgot about dinner with my parents. I'm not even sure if Alli will want to go at this point. I can't deal with this right now. Instead, I place my phone face down on the night stand and head to the restroom to shower and freshen up before Alli gets here. Mother will have to wait.

After getting ready, I head downstairs to the living room. Everything is exactly as I left it. Nothing seems to be out of place. It's as if no one has been in the room for days. I look in the sink to see if there might be an empty glass as proof of my black out, but the sink--and the entire kitchen--is spotless. I check the trash can, looking for a discarded bottle, but an empty trash bag glares back up at me. I have no fucking idea what happened.

The elevator door dings and I look up from the stainless steel trash can. The sight of Alli's face lights up my own. I make my way toward her, oblivious of the previous night's events and not caring what happened. In that moment, I need her as I hug her and the smell of her familiar sweet perfume calms me. She gently hugs me back as I hear her sniffle. I pull her away from me softly and look at her tear-filled eyes. She looks like she hasn't slept, the dark circles caressing the underside of her eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I want more than anything for her to be her same cheery self, not hurting or distressed. I search her eyes, looking for a clue as to what she could be thinking.

"Can we sit down?" Her voice sounds hoarse and I can tell she's been crying.

"Of course. Come on." I guide her to the love seat and sit next to her, taking her cold hand and warming it with mine.

"What do you remember from last night?" She looks up at me and takes a deep breath.

"I remember going to dinner with my friends, having a great time with you, and then I kind of remember leaving your apartment upset, but I don't remember why. That's all I can think of."

Alli nods her head, "We did have a really nice time at dinner and then I messed things up pretty bad. I said some things that I didn't really mean and most of it came out of fear. I couldn't give you an answer when you asked if I wanted to slow things down." My hazy memory starts to clear up and the sting of her words start to come back. "You said that you were going to give me some space and time to figure things out and at the moment I couldn't think of how to respond. The truth is, that's the last thing I want." Relief fills me, knowing that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her, but it's overshadowed by the curiosity of why she would have been scared in the first place.

She takes a deep breath and continues, "I got kind of freaked out by what Mike said about us getting serious and the thought of meeting your family tonight, so I tried to back away, when that was the last thing I should have done. The truth is, I'm not perfect, and there are some things about my past that I'm not proud of-- I'm extremely ashamed of actually. Honestly, I was more afraid of you not wanting to be with me after you found out what I've done. I don't want to get too close to you and then you don't want to be with me anymore." I remember Jannine's words about Alli being a criminal and I shake the idea away, replacing it with my resolution to love her despite whatever she might have done. I know who Alli is now and I know that she is the kind of woman I want to be with.

"Alli, it doesn't matter to me what you might have done a long time ago. That was before we met. Like you said, we both have a past, but let's not let it get in the way of what we have right now. Let's start fresh and leave the past in the past, okay?" My stomach turns into a little knot at the reminder that my secret past will indefinitely affect my future, but I try to dismiss the thought as Alli hugs me tightly and nods.

"Thank you, Elli. Yeah, we can start fresh," she squeezes me. I cling onto her and run my fingers through her soft hair, dismissing the waves of doubt that keep trying to flood my mind.