Lackadaisical

I was at the hospital at three in the morning. My mom is inside the room talking to the Doctor. Although I'm not inside, I know what they are talking about. A ball bounced towards me and halted on my feet. It was blue, the color of the ocean, with yellow and green stripes at its center. A girl about my age, wearing a hospital gown ran towards me. She has a short black hair cut just above her shoulders.

"Hi!" she said catching her breath.

"Hello. Is this yours?"

 "Yup,"

"Here," I said as I handed her the ball.

"Thanks. By the way, I'm Tasha, are you alone?"

"No. Are you?"

"Yes." She replied.

"Is this room... may I go inside?" she asked.

"S-sure," I hesitantly answered. "Come."

The faint smell of medicine and alcohol seeps through my nasal passage. This aura, this nostalgic feeling almost made me teary eyed. My mom and the doctor just finished talking. No questions needed. I'm fully aware of what's happening.

"I'm sorry ma'am but a miracle is what we might need," said the doctor. "I'll be leaving then."

"It seems we have a serious case here," Tasha whispered. "Your mom looks pretty worried."

"No she's not. There's no reason she should be. Well..."

Sigh.

            Thinking back, mom always worries. Me and my mom only live together even before I start to remember. My father, I never really knew anything about him. I didn't even bother myself looking for him. For me, as long as I have mom, everything will be alright. My mom works very hard just to provide for our living. To return the favor, I tried to be a good kid. Well, what would you expect from a 9 year old? But I guess it is inevitable that things... happen.

            I don't know but I seem to have a problem with keeping things. Every time I lost or break something, mom would be really furious. I understand her because I know I'm at fault. On my 9th birthday, my mom bought me a PSP.

"Here. I bought it for you. Take care of it okay?" she said as she gave me the PSP.

"Wow! Thanks mom. Don't worry. I'll take care of it," I said as I received her gift. I remembered, I begged for it for months. I never thought she would buy it for me because of my so-called "habit."

            I'm overjoyed that day. I held it very precious taking it with me everywhere I go – never letting it go to not lose it. But with all my luck, I lost it. It was late afternoon as I was returning home. It has been my SOP to put my PSP at my bag pocket. When I got home, I was surprised seeing my bag pocket open and my PSP gone.

"What the? I should have never bought that stupid PSP. I should have known that you don't know how to take care of it. That's the nth time you lost something. What's wrong with you? Are you abnormal? For so long it has only been two things. You heard me? Two things. If you don't lose something, you break it. How could you be so stupid? Do you know how hard I'm working? Don't you have any consideration for me? How useless could you be? Can you count how many things you have destroyed? You broke vases, dropped the heater, etc. Do you know how much it all cost?" mom furiously said.

            I'm in no position to defend myself. Everything she said was true. I really am stupid. I really am useless. From that day onwards, she never bought me anything. I myself limit the things I touch in the house.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Hey stop spacing out," Tasha said to catch my attention. "Don't you know that your heartbeat weakens when you space out like that?"

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," I answered. My heartbeat really slowed. I saw the machine that records my pulse displayed a low figure. But now it slowly turned normal.

"I can't believe you... by the way what were you saying? Before you space out?" she asked.

"O-oh. It's... nothing," I replied.

"You sure? Okay, if you say so. So how did you end up here?" she said as she goes near my body.

            My body. Yeah, it really is me. The one sleeping under those hospital bed sheets. The one who's connected with those chaining equipments. The one dressed in that suffocating hospital clothes.

"Uhm, hello! Anybody there?" Tasha mockingly called me. "Feel not to tell me?"

"S-sorry. No. I think there is no reason for me not to tell you," I answered.

            A day ago, my grandmother visited us and brought me a Thor action figure. My mom distastefully gave it to me. She has no choice since it was from granny. But she warned granny about me losing or destroying it. Anyway, they let me play at the nearby park. Ofcourse, as happy as I could ever be with my new toy, I held it very close to me. I won't lose it. I won't lose it. That's what's running in my head.

            It was a humid afternoon. I was walking down the street, keeping the toy close to me, when someone bumped me. I fell and lost grip of the toy. I looked for it and saw it landed on the street. I saw to my left, a car approaching. By assumption, it's heading directly to my precious toy.

            I can't lose it. My mom would be furious if I lose it. I can't lose anything again...

            These are the only words playing in my head over and over and over again. I know I had to do something. Afraid of losing that toy, I rushed forward to keep it safe. I reached the toy but it's already too late to turn back to the sidewalk. To keep any harm done to it, I held it close to my body. Letting my body act as a shield. Then the car hit me. I lost consciousness. Remembering how it happened, it seems like the pain I felt creep into my every vein – as if I have one in astral form.

            The next moment I woke up, doctors and nurses strolls me hurriedly on a bed. I saw my mother with them. Before I lose consciousness again, I managed to make a smile and told her...

"Mom, I didn't lose it. I kept it safe. I never let it to be destroyed. I'm not a stupid kid anymore aren't I? I didn't lose it."

"Seriously? So that's how you end up in that bed? I can't believe..." she stopped mid sentence when she saw my body convulsing and saw me writhing in pain.

            Pain. Pain. I thought having an astral body would keep you from feeling pain. But now, it's as if my brain would split and my heart is crushed with an angry fist.

"Oh! Don't worry. It would be gone in seconds. That's how it feels when we permanently leave our bodies," she calmly said.

"That means I'll die right?" I managed to ask in between this horrible pain.

"Yup!" she said. "Like me. Welcome to the other side!"

            Well, I guess its fine. Dying. And she was right. The pain was gone. I looked at the bed where my body lay, surrounded by nurses and a doctor and my mother. Mom was shouting at them. Begging them to do everything. I saw tears roll down my mom's cheeks as the doctor declared me dead.

"What a heartbreaker. Such a sad scene. Look how your mom is crying," Tasha said in a tone undistinguishable if its mockery or sincerity.

"No. Don't be mistaken. Those aren't tears of loss or sadness," I said calmly.

"What?" her face in a state of disbelief.

"Those aren't tears of loss or sadness. Those are tears of happiness and relief. With me gone, nothing shall be lost again. I can't lose anything. I can't destroy anything. Can't I? Look at her. She is just happy. Very happy."