Home | Kim Namjoon

Three

Namjoon rolled over and faced the window. He didn't know how he was going to manage the rest of the tour with Talia tutoring him, working with him, and sleeping in the same room with him. Should he ask Bang PD to move her to a different room? But then he'd have to explain why, to both Mr. Bang and Talia. He couldn't do that. And he'd still have to work with her anyway. He'd just have to manage it himself.

He wondered, how many people would be disappointed if he wanted a relationship with her? ARMY? Mr. Bang? The other members? Would anyone actually be disappointed at all? If Jin or Hobi found someone they loved, he would be happy for them, not disappointed. If he could separate his feeling from his work, could he make it work with her? He didn't know, but a big part of him wanted to try.

Namjoon kind of felt like a hypocrite; what had the whole Love Yourself era meant if not to make yourself happy? Why did he feel like he didn't have the right to have love, to be happy with someone? He had been daydreaming about having a home with her. When he thought about a future without her, it seemed bleak and he felt raw pain.

He turned his head and took a quick peek at her again. Talia was still in the same position, still peacefully sleeping. Of course, she was; she didn't have to deal with these conflicting thoughts and feelings. He envied her.

Namjoon thought back over the past couple of weeks. Up until two weeks ago, he thought she might be feeling the same way about him that he did about her. Talia was close to all the members, except maybe Jimin. No, that wasn't fair to say...she got along well with Jimin. She just didn't tolerate his silliness; Jimin would flirt and Talia would glare at him until he stopped. But she had spent most of her time with Namjoon. They had been like two peas in a pod; where he was, she was.

Lately though, he noticed Talia spent more time with Hobi or Suga. She didn't smile at him very often anymore and she never touched him. In fact, he would define her attitude towards him as downright cold now. It almost felt like their feelings had destroyed their friendship. If she had been feeling anything for him before, she had found an effective way of dealing with it.

Or had she? She might be acting like he didn't exist now, but in the last week he had, more than once, caught her staring at him, like she was deep in thought. She didn't even look away when he caught her--she just stared until he looked away.

Namjoon slowly became aware of a change in Talia's breathing. Rolling over to check, he leaned on his elbow, watching her. Her soft, steady breathing was now heavy and erratic and her hands were knotted into the sheets.

At first, Namjoon thought she was having a nightmare, but it wasn't long before it was clear what kind of dream she was having. He slid his hand down to his manhood, praying it wouldn't betray him. Please not now! But it was only a few seconds later, she softly groaned and almost instantly relaxed, her breathing returning to a slow, steady pace.

Closing his eyes, Namjoon steadied his own breathing. He never before had so much practice denying himself something he wanted. What was Mr. Bang thinking anyway? Namjoon wasn't a robot. He was a full-grown man--with full-grown emotions and desires.

Damn it, why is it so warm in here? Namjoon sat up and stripped his shirt off. In frustration, he threw it across the room and lay down, staring at the ceiling.

The weight of his responsibility as leader of BTS had never felt as heavy as it did right now. Until he met her, he'd had a clear path forward into his future. He'd known pretty much what the next several years would entail for him. Namjoon never questioned the path he was on and it never occurred to him he might want on a different path...until now.

He knew it would be the same for her. Talia was independent and fiercely ambitious in her career. She'd worked hard to be at the top of her field by such a young age. It had required sacrifices. She'd not had a proper place to call home in years, because she was always on the road. She didn't have many lasting friendships for the same reason. There were no past boyfriends, no pets, no holidays with her family. In fact, her career tied her down even more than his did. At least he got time off between albums and tours. Talia went from one job to the next, to the next.

Namjoon realized he didn't want on a new path; he just wanted to merge his path and her path. Surely they could do that. People did it every day.

He rolled over to his side. His thoughts were getting foggy, his mind going blurry. His brain barely registered that Talia was now completely buried under her covers before he closed his eyes. Finally, he slept.

Hours later, barely on the verge of waking, Namjoon could sense the brightness of the room without opening his eyes. He felt better; his relentless thoughts from earlier this morning had finally given him a break. There was still an empty ache that filled his insides, but at least his mind was quiet.

When he finally opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Talia's face, peering out from under her blanket, staring at him. His heart raced. This time, he decided, no matter how long she stared, he wouldn't break eye contact.

He could tell by her face she was waging some kind of war inside her mind, much as he had been doing this morning. Was that what was going on when he'd caught her staring all those times? Was he wrong about her not feeling anything for him anymore? His eyebrows knit together as her eyes filled with tears. She didn't even wiped them away; they just fell and pooled on the sheet.

After what seemed like an eternity, she took a deep breath, her face softening. Suddenly,Talia lifted her blanket, inviting him into her bed. For the first time in Namjoon's adult life, he made a decision based solely on his own happiness.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, timidly. Namjoon climbed in beside her and wrapped his arms around her.

Tally whispered, "I think I love you."

"I think I love you, too," he whispered back.

Tally slowly ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him closer, and when she finally kissed him it took his breath away and he knew he was finally home.