What Am I Feeling

happy pills

Happiness is like a drug it makes you feel fufilled and courageous but when it wears off you're left with all the pain and angst you tried to forget I hate the short lived delusion that is joy 

Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with being happy  but people tend to use that as an excuse to walk all over you I've been happy or I think I've been but regardless of such being happy has its pros  and cons  I hardly ever react physically to emotions but whenever I do people find it hard to believe but I'm not some apathetic being void of emotions in fact I'm more emotional than most that's why knowing that I try to keep myself in check so I don't hurt others or myself my mind is an endless hole of different thoughts that all seem to have the same objective to drive me insane so I end up hiding painkillers and sleeping pills inside my backpack insomnia and an aching body what more could I ask for but even when I do end up falling asleep  its the always  nightmares I meet at the entrance greeting me into a long terrifying sleep I want someone to hold on to but who would be willing besides I still have the nightmares to keep me company