SAV'S ONLINE DIARY

Fri, June 7

1:11 am

Dear, diary
 
   It hurts when the person you want to listen to you even if it is just for a split second chooses to ignore you and act as if you don't exist. I've got to this point in my life where I just feel it's better if I never speak my feelings out loud especially to my family. Why? Because I feel even more crazy and shitty when I do. It's like I open my mouth to speak my feelings and I'm wrong. Because I'm 17 and I'm not aloud to feel these ways. I'm not aloud to feel stressed, I'm not aloud to want to think of my life not trapped in this endless cycle of waking up and just surviving. Because that is exactly what my life has been for soooooo long is the same endless cycle when I wake up.
I don't leave the house anymore and when I do I just love the small things like the wind in my hair, rolling the car window down, driving on dirt roads that seem never ending. That is my life.
I feel trapped in this never ending cycle of my parents don't want me to go or somehow I'm gonna be convinced to stay here and continue this cycle forever. Will my life ever be more? I sure hope so I hate....well hates a strong word I'm just not exactly happy with the last 17 years of my life. Most 17 year olds can talk about memories they have made over the last few years the sleep overs, the movie dates with friends and maybe a mystery guy every now and then. But I don't have much friends as it is and it always seems as if I'm too busy for the only 2 I have. I don't really know where this thought process is going or how it's gonna end. It won't. But I guess that's what feeling lonely is. Its just this deep dark hole of nothing that you can't explain and you hope someone or something.....anything will come along and make you feel just a little less alone and..................scared.

                                   Sincerely, Sav