jesus.
i fucking hate it.
you know
the other day my friend told me i was the only one in our friend group who was good at emotional support. the only one who gave a shit.
and that hurt me. because for the longest fucking time i have said nothing but "please don't push your problems onto me, i can't take it." because it's true! i will lose myself. it's not healthy for me! i physically can't take it.
i don't like talking about my personal life here, because no one cares and no one needs to know. but fucking shit. i was bullied for eight years of my fucking life by my ex best friend. someone who i trusted. i told all my secrets too. i was too blind to realize the shit she did to me. i would come home daily with more bruises, scratches and fingernail marks from her. "friends act like this." bull. shit.
and she knows i'm not a confrontational person.
i would tell her that she would be getting in trouble. she would dismiss my feelings whenever i was called a whore. that destroyed my self confidence for months.
she threatened to get me in trouble whenever she did something wrong. she would turn it on me. i was in sixth grade at the time i couldn't defend myself. so i fucking believed her.
i've been doing this whole online thing since 2015. met some great people, met some horrible people. i would come home either angry, or i would cry. absolutely bawl my eyes out. i was fucking bullied by my friend and my fucking english teacher for fucks sake. a teacher bullying a student. embarrassed her, made her cry in front of the class, that had so many of her friends. my image was probably ruined. i looked so vulnerable.
then i come to find my online friends we're doing the same shit. the exact same shit my ex best friend was doing.
i've cut this person off three times. she never left. she fucked my feelings up three fucking times, i forgave her.
she plays the victim, she acts like the past two or three years she wasn't giving me a hard time. she says i'm the one hurting her, she says that i make her sad.
my fucking bad.
i'm too nice. that's the problem.
my mental health wouldn't be shit, and i wouldn't be such a pathetic bitch if i knew how to defend myself. and if i didn't say yes to every single bad decision.
i should have done it back in january, this problem wouldn't be here if i just did it.
i fuck so much shit up. on here too.
i lost everybody.
i'm all alone again.
hi sorry for having a mental breakdown. goodnight.
