Hard Life

hello you guys

Well im back...i never thought i would be, but here i am. Well... I honestly don't know how to write this. Well let me start off by saying Hey im Zareth. I was sexually abused by my step dad ever since i can remember up to 2015... and justice still hasn't been made. Im having a lot of personal problems right now and I'll use this to vent. Ill explain everything in the next chapters, but for now let me vent like I need this. I honestly feel like shit. I don't know me. I don't recognize myself. When i look at myself in the mirror i get nauseous. I see something this cruel world has created something, someone...that i hate and despise... All of these years of abuse, and neglect...have changed me. I closed myself off from my emotions from my family and so called friends.. For years I pretended that everything was alright, that i was fine, happy, and content. When in reality I was crushed, and broken inside. I separated myself emotionally and built a wall between me and everyone else so I wouldn't be able to be hurt again or hurt anyone else. When i stopped feeling completely i felt numb. Thats when my suicidal thoughts started...i was so close to taking my own life so many times. More than i would like to admit. Since i didn't care about myself i thought that if i did it.... no one would care. Now though i found someone. Someone very important to me. Someone that i love
The man i want to marry  lmao. He made me feel...he walked right into that barrier i built to keep everything in and everyone out. He destroyed it. Now all of those repressed feelings are flooding out. All of them including guilt.  He promised that with him i won't need that barrier and how he wants to help me change... And i trust him. Theres days though where my emotions are so strong they drive me crazy. Days i cant take it and want to end it all. Yet i made a promise so i cant. Now that i feel love again im scared. Im scared of losing him. My depression is back...so is my insomnia...my night terrors... the memories everything is flooding me and i hate it...its driving me insane and right now i dont know what to do....

Thats all for today sorry for how much of a mess this is but its it's my reality  i love you all... see you next time  bye ❤