the first suspicion (johannie)

dear diary

de·pres·sion
/dəˈpreSH(ə)n/
noun
1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

that's me. you may think i have a good life. you know i always seem happy. key word, seem. let's play two truths an a lie. ready? i have a boyfriend, i have a healthy family, and i go to a decent school. what's the lie you're wondering? well the lie is me having a healthy family. when i was about 10 my dad left because of drinking problems and drug addiction. he would hurt me and my mother. verbally and physically. but it's fine, he didn't love me, he only wanted my moms money to spend it on drugs or more alcohol to get wasted on. i'm a single child. i have trust issues. the only person i can really trust is my boyfriend, asher angel. my mom is barley home considering her work is high maintenance so i can rarely talk to her about stuff. i can really only talk to her about my illness. well let's say i can't trust asher with everything. my one big secret is my illness. no one knows except my doctors and my mother. i can't tell asher. he may think less of me or something.

...

"ding, ding, ding"
my alarm clock yells

i tap my phone to turn it off. it's the first day of being a junior. if your wondering i go to hilltop high. i can't drive so asher is picking me up.

i get out of bed and head to the bathroom. i take a quick warm shower with the occasional pain. i get out and dry myself off with a towel.

i stare at my reflection in the mirror, look back at the girl looking at me. i stare harder as i realize, that's me, that's what i look like, that's what i am. nothing will change.

i snap out of it and dig in the back of the cabinet for my medicine. i take the two pills i needed. i put on leggings and t-shirt for school. right when i leave the bathroom a car honks. it's asher.

"hey jules"
asher sad with a smile. "i hate being called that." i said while laughing. "well to bad bc i love it" he said while kissing my cheek.

we drove off to school and once we were in we departed are separate ways.

i walked to my locker silently and grabbed my books. i then went to the office to grab my schedule and i was off to class.

...

it was just another boring school day. asher wouldn't be able to take me home so i would just walk instead. i didn't want to go home straight away so i went to the football fields to write in my diary.

you may be thinking, a diary? yes, a diary. it's my one way to rant about things without people finding out.

i sat under the bleachers and started to write when a football came rolling next to me. i looked at the ball and threw it out to continue writing.

a few minutes later it came back. i threw it back out as i started to get a bit frustrated. a minute later, it was back. i got up from out the bleachers and started to leave.

i started to round the bleachers when a tall guy with dirty blond hair and green eyes bumped into me.

i tumbled to the ground and my diary flew out of my reach. i winced in pain as i hit the ground considering my illness.

"oh my gosh are you okay?"
the guy asked as he put his hand out to help me up.
"yea i'm fine"
no i wasn't. i said while i started to get up.

he looked at me with suspicion and i just stood there. i held my side gently from the pain. "you're hurt? from that fall? it wasn't even too hard of a fall."
he said cautiously.

"oh i um, i.."
shit idk what to say
"i have to get going."
i picked up my diary and started to walk away.

"can i at least get your name?"
the guy shouted behind me.
"annie, annie leblanc"
i said while turning my head back at him continuing to walk.

once he was out of my sight i took some medicine out of my bad. i went to the nearest water fountain and took my pills. my side hurt so much.

i started to walk home limping a bit but i should be fine. once i got home i hobbled up the stairs and flopped on my bed. i took out my diary and started to write where i left off.

dear diary,
opened

              this morning i realized something. i realized that you cant really see who someone is just by looking at them. i saw it myself. with my own eyes. i found it. i saw that i'm tough, strong, worthy of love, dependent, but most of all hurt. i saw all of this by looking through a mirror. i've been through a lot. a whole hell of a lot. it doesn't matter what's on the outside, but rather the inside. it doesn't matter how many scares or bruises someone has. that just shows where they've been and what they've gone through. the inside is what matters. the brain. the brain is the map. without a map, you wouldn't be able to get those scares. you would be lost, confused, afraid....dead. every map layout is different. i'm different. so what?

closed.

i took a deep breath as i closed my diary and capped my pen. i laid in silence. i focused on what i wrote.

...

it was 7:13 at night

i got a text, i checked it and it was from asher.

asher 🤪💛

asher: hey jules! how was your walk home from school?

annie:   good! i sat outside after
school to take in the nice weather.

asher: that's always good to hear, anyways i gotta. my family called me down for dinner. see you tomorrow!! 😚

annie: yep, okay. bye.

asher: you alright?

annie: yea no i'm fine. have a nice time
asher. ly!

asher: okay! ly two!
seen

family dinners. the one thing i miss. even if no one talked at the table. even if i hated my dad. even if i was upset, i still enjoyed the company.

...

i woke up ready for the next day at school. i texted asher telling him i was going to walk.

i wore shorts and another t-shirt as usual. i walked into school and went to my locker. when i opened it i saw a note... it read...

meet me at the bleachers after school.
signed: ....