A Portrait of A Tortured You and I

Chapter 3

I had the bungalow to myself, but that's only because the VIP didn't sell out, otherwise, I'd have had a roommate.  I took advantage of the private bathroom and cleaned up properly.  I was distressed by my upgrade.  Not because I wasn't happy to experience it, but because I didn't need it nor want it.  Sure, I loved the band and I was a bit of a Jared girl.  But after fawning over him for the first five or so years, I became more realistic and began just to solely appreciate what Mars was all about; community, art, music, friendship, fun, connection.  The eye candy aspect was there always, but wasn't anything more than just a nice thing to look at.  I had been blessed through the years to have done numerous meet & greets, and was even around during the Artifact days getting the opportunity to go to the screening.  Heck, I was even at the Hive the night of the bomb threat.  This was probably why I was always broke. I spent all my money on Mars.

So these things afforded me opportunities to meet the band numerous times.  I just couldn't justify spending over $10,000 dollars to have even more access to Jared.  I could spend that money on four camp mars trips, rather than just one.  Not that I had access to that amount of cash in one sitting ever.  But, the point was someone spent it on me... and I didn't deserve it.  It should have been someone who never had the opportunities that I have had.

I got dressed and made my way out the door just in time for the vip welcome wagon to come around so they could let us know what was in store for us.  There was a total of 17 of us.  I was surprised that many people had shelled out the money to do this.  I knew only three of them. I wasn't surprised by them, they always did the most expensive packages.  I had no idea what they did for a living, but I wondered what it was.

We were escorted down to the stage area, where they had roped off a small area right at the stage for us. Since everything was outdoors and in an open area, anyone on the island already would be able to see the soundcheck, but they had sectioned off a perimeter of about 60 feet around the stage so no one could get too close to the action. It all seemed so strange to me. Paying so much when at 61 feet away you can see the exact same thing, but to each their own. I guess.

I shouldn't have been letting it nag at me the fact that someone did this, but I should explain why it bothered me in more depth. I had been an Echelon almost since the inception of the band. I went to events, met so many interesting people, became friends with some. The usual stuff, I did some light street teaming, but I was always sort of in the shadows. I have a very outgoing personality, but for some reason I stayed pretty much to myself. I knew the familiar faces. Waved and nodded. Spoke to a few here and there. But Mars was very personal to me. I was drawn to them for reasons I couldn't begin to explain to an outsider. For me, when Jared says, "it's only for those who understand," I have to say that is a million percent true. I'm sure every Echelon feels the same way and we all have our private reasons (or public) for why we needed them in our lives. But because I stayed to myself, I always felt like I knew everyone, but no one knew me. Even on social media... I knew of people, but I didn't engage with them. For every outspoken "fan" like Natalie, there were probably 5 of me. It didn't make sense. I wasn't a part of that outspoken and well known clique.

Then another thing was the idea that I was being pitied. I knew I was a victim. I was a weak person. I didn't want others to know it. No matter how strong I tried to be, I just wasn't. I was disappointed that I would have to pass on Croatia, but I was certainly not wanting any charity. Yet, I received it anyway. From a total stranger, who I assume knows nothing about me.

The last reason, and Shayla picked up on it right away was the tiny bit of fear that I was being lured here, only to be hurt... whether it be emotionally or physically. I never didn't feel safe around Mars, but I think it was a combination of the attack on me and then the way Natalie had treated me online -when I told everyone what happened- that made me no longer feel at "home."