I was in the middle of darkness when I heard a noise, someone is crying, I followed the voice through the darkness and the familiar figure of a lady captures my eye.
Mama! I called her but she didn’t respond, as if she can’t hear me.
Mama! I called her once more but she cried even harder when a figure of a man showed and she’s saying something to my mama, words that I can’t understand.
Mama! Please! Listen to me! Mama!
I cried too, this moment is one of the memories that I want to forget. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata, and I prayed that when I open my eyes everything was just a dream, na hindi totoo ang lahat ng ito.
I was drowned by my past. This is the thing that keeps me from the darkness, from the negativity. The memories of the past keeps on pulling me, the demons inside my head were always hunting me.
I woke up with tears flowing in my eyes.
Nightmare… I said while looking at the celling. This is the torture that no one wants but I have it. The memories of my past, I don’t want it. Tinakpan ko ang mga mata ko upang matigil ang patuloy na pag agus ng luha sa aking mga mata, I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of fighting but, I have to live. I have the reason to live. I still have mama and papa with me.
Umupo ako habang kinakalma ang aking sarili.
God thank you for waking me up today, I know the start wasn’t good but I know you have a reason. Please guide my father every single days, he is working for me and my mother. Please give him strength to fight life with you, with us. Also God please help my mother I know life is harder for her, but please, help her to see your grace and help her moved on from the past. Thank you God amen.
This day is the start of our second semester and I am already in grade 12 Senior High School. This is my last year in high school and I want it to do my very best this time.
Good morning Nanay Tessa, masigla kong bati sa aming kasambahay.
Good morning din Ysa. Kain ka na lalamig na ang pagkain. She said while wearing her usual smile.
Thank you manang, I love you… she smiled at me even harder.
Ikaw talaga Ysa. I Love you rin anak. Kain na, maaga pa ang pasok mo.
Opo manang sabay na tayo ha… wala ako kasabay… pumunta nang ibang bansa si papa.
Para sa inyo yun, tatawagan ka noon mamaya. Ikaw pa mahal na mahal kayo noon.
I talked to Manang Tessa hanggang sa matapos kami kumain this is my daily routine whenever wala si papa. Every weekend I used to visit mama and talked to her. Kahit hindi niya ako kinakausap. The doctor said it will help mama to recover.
Manang aalis na po ako!
Mag iingat ka Ysa ha…
Opo manang ako pa ba? Takot lang nila sa akin.
Tinawanan lang ako ni Manang habang naka dungaw sa may pintuan ng bahay. I waved her goodbye.
I ride the car that my father bought for me, para safe daw.
We’re not rich but papa can provide me everything I need. He is working hard for me, and that is something that I idolized papa, he is hardworking, but every time uuwi siya hindi siya nawawalan ng time para sa akin, even kay mama. So I don’t want papa to see me sad or suffering because of what happened from the past, I saw how he suffered when mama get stuck, I saw how he suffered when he saw me suffering when I was young and witness my mama’s nightmare. I saw how he cried when she saw mama’s reaction when he’s around. Ever since that day mama feared men and papa is not an exemption. So at the early age, I learned how to pretend, I learned how to hide my feeling, and wear a smile on my face every day.
You can do it Ysa, you are strong person, just smile and trust God and every problem and your struggle will fade away. I told myself while looking outside the window of our car.
Tatay Danny 4 o’clock po uwi ko mamaya.
Sige Ysa Ingat ka ha… mag aral ng mabuti… pa alala sa akin ni Tatay Danny bago mag drive pa alis.
