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your POV
Life is hard, Right? I just need to get through it. I'll make it. I'm so strong. I'm a fighter. Everything will be fine
Right?
That's what everyone thought. That's what I thought.
But I'm not strong or a fighter. And it felt like i will not make it.
And i didn't know the reason why.
I stared at my arm and saw all the blood ran down my arm.
It's 2 am and Cole will be home in a few minutes. He was on set filming the fourth season of Riverdale.
I knew I needed to talk to him, but I was so scared. I was scared what he would think of me. Would he leave me?
I was in the middle of my mental breakdown. I wiped the blood away and threw the toilet paper away.
Message from: Babe 💞 Hey Baby, i'll be Home in 10 min, do u want smth from McDonald's? I love you
I looked at the message, smiled and started to cry even harder. He would do EVERYTHING for me and I don't even tell him about my problems. I replied with a "no thanks babe x" and sat down at the kitchen counter, continued crying and thought about what I should say.
When he came home and called „baby i'm back" my heart began to race. He came into the kitchen and when he saw me crying, he immediately sat down next to me. He hugged me and tried to calm me down with kisses and he whispered sweet things in my ear.
When he saw my arm, he grabbed it and looked at it. He looked back into my eyes and whispered a „Why" He started tearing up, i saw it in his eyes.
„Cole, i need to talk to you. I think I should have done it earlier.", I gave him a soft smile. „Look, it's very hard for me to tell you this. I don't know why, I guess i'm scared of losing you or that you'll be mad at me. Or, I-i don't really know.", my voice was shaking. „I have a really big problem with myself. Or with accepting myself like how I am. For a longer time now. I-i h-hate myself and I don't know why. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong and i'm a bad girlfriend, or person in general. The fear of loosing you and the people i love around me is bigger than I thought. I couldn't handle the pressure. I started cutting. Now i'm practically addicted. And it makes me feel better. Just for a moment, but i don't know. Then I called you and asked if I could stay with you for a time, remember? Because i thought if I would stay with you, I could stop and everything will be fine. Don't get me wrong. You make my life so much better, but the inner pain won't stop. A-and I don't know what to do.", i stared at his hand in mine.
He looked at me, overwhelmed. „I'm sorry I didn't want to overwhelm you it's just-"
„No, it's fine. You don't need to be sorry, it's just me- that, i. God. I need to be sorry. I mean, i noticed that you act a bit weird, I mean you only wearing long-sleeve shirts but I thought that's - I was dumb. And should have noticed y/n. I'm so sorry. I'm always here for you, okay? No secrets, no cutting. I'm here for you, and i'll help you get through this hard time. I'm here and I won't leave. You mean the world to me and I love you more than I thought I ever could."
I smiled and he kissed me. I sat on his lap and cuddled into his arms. He carried me in his bed and we changed into out Pyjamas, or rather our underwear. We laid down and I laid in his arms. He kissed my neck and stroked my back. „I love you", he whispered and kissed my head. „I love you too", I smiled and cuddled up in his arms.
At the beginning i didn't know the reason why. But I know it now. Because the minute you start talking about it, it gets easier.
