A/N this is a bit intense and this whole chapter is based on my own experience... also, it contains strong trigger points such as; dysphoria, transphobia, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read of you will be triggered by these. There will be a breif chapter description in the next chapter for those who don't want to read 💕
(And because this is a Trans!Andy his birthname is Amy) I'll put a trigger warning where any major topics are and then one at the end of it ❤️
Andy's POV
I sat outside the toilets waiting for Brookie and Sonny. I knew they'd go to the toilets and then come and find me so I saved them the hassle of coming to find me.
While I was waiting, one of the people in my music, who I talk to and know is gay walked round the corner with some of his friends from the year above.
"Hey Amy" I ignored them.
"Amy" they called again.
"Andy!" I turned to face them
"You told us her name was Amy" one of them looked confused.
"It is isn't it?" He asked.
"No. My name is Andy"
"But that's not your real name is it?"
"Yes it is"
Just then Sonny and Brook came out of the toilets.
"You okay?" Brook put his arm around me as we walked to the outside benches.
"N-not really..." I stuttered, afraid I was going to cry.
"Why what happened?"
"R-Rye and his sixth form friends came round the corner and start calling me by my birthname and then he told me that Andy wasn't my real name..." Sonny pulled me in for a hug as we got to the benches and sat down. Brook sat down and drew circles on my back, calming me and preventing me from crying.
We stayed like that for another 5 minutes and then ate our lunch. We talked about music, as we had it last lesson, next lesson. They both agreed to keep Rye away from me and that they would sit with me.
The bell went for the end of lunch and we walked to music. When we went in Sonny and Brook pulled me to their seats and then Sonny went to explain to the teacher what had happened (since she knew about me being trans and I'd talked to her a few times)
During this lesson, I felt a bit better. Writing a new song called 'Flashing Lights' and then playing it for my boyfriends. I felt happier after this.
When it was the end of school me and Sonny said goodbye to Brook, who was being picked up then we walked until we reached the point where we split off. I kissed him goodbye and walked home. When I got in my mum was in the living room watching TV. I said a quick hello before going up stairs to my room.
I did some homework and then I got a text from Brook. Asking if I was okay. I text back that I was, but I really wasn't...
Being alone had really made me think about what happened. And I started crying.
My chest became tighter. My hands started to shake and clench. I sat on my desk chair while my leg bounced up and down violently.
The scene played through my head, everytime becoming more agressive and sending my mind out of control.
*TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM*
I hadn't had a panic attack like this since I came out to my mum... over a year ago...
They'd been getting better and all of a sudden it's over. I don't usually let this stuff get to me. Usually I can push it away because it doesn't matter but this time it won't go away...
It'll never happen.
You're going to look like this forever.
You don't pass.
You're not a proper boy.
Your still a girl.
She.
Amy.
I couldn't stop the thoughts. They'd consumed me.
By this point I was pacing. Violently looking for something sharp.
Plastic.
I cut a plastic guitar plec in half. It was sharp.
In quick movements I scratched it across my arm, leaving red bumps from the scratches and a few cuts.
I let myself take a breath, then I stared at the broken plastic in my hand. I looked back and forth at the plasic and the cuts and scratches I'd left.
I threw it to the ground in anger.
I say on my bed shaking and crying, but not loud enough for my mum to hear.
*TRIGGER WARNING - OVER*
I say for about an hour crying and shaking, until there were no more tears... I got out my phone and decided to text Sonny. It was the only thing my brain would let me do at the moment.
Me: Fuck. Help me
Me: I broke
Me: I'm not okay
Me: It got to me
Me: I don't wanna go to school
Me: I messed up
SonBon💖: He probably didn't mean to hurt you by it. Just breathe and try and focus on other shit
Me: I can't I've tried
Me: I'm scared because it's really got to me.
SonBon💖: Take day off tomorrow then and try and tell your mum? She seems more accepting now doesn't she
Me: I can't I don't wanna worry her I don't know what to do.
Me: I hate myself
Me: The thoughts of killing myself have come back
Me: I don't want them to
SonBon💖: Don't kill yourself because of one person saying this. You're going to get hormones and have operations so don't give up before that
Me: I'm trying
SonBon💖:Watch videos to distract yourself.
Me: I am. Thanks bub. Night
SonBon💖: night x
So I slept. Crying into my slumber, but I slept.
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sorry it's been a while 😬
going to update more hopefully🥺
opinions on this?
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