I stood in front of the camera, my entire body shaking. My best friend cued me to start and I took a shaky breath as the camera signaled its start. I smiled at the camera, its lens staring straight into my soul. I quickly introduced myself—the words all melding together in my head with each word I spoke. I took one last breath and started.
—————
Images of my mother slaving over a stove or taking care of our house flashed through my mind as I anxiously waited for an email. I remembered her smiling as she picked me up from school or gave me the food she had just made. Every day, she chose to take the earlier shifts and picked me up right after school ended until I was old enough to take the trains and do things by myself. I remembered her smiles and her tears. I want to make her smile.
I refreshed the page one last time. There it was. Results. I skimmed through it quickly. I felt my jaw drop as I slammed my laptop close and ran out of the house.
———
I wasn't quite sure where I was going at this point, but my feet seemed to drag me to a coffee shop. My legs stopped at the counter and ordered a hot chocolate. I'd rather not drink coffee. After they gave it to me, I felt the sweet drink travel from the cup to my mouth to my throat, burning everything in its path. It felt good.
I sat down at a table next to the window and looked out at the other people around me. Smiling, laughing, staring at the ground—each of these people had a life of their own. So what made me special?
The mere thought had struck me through the heart with a dagger. What did I do to deserve anything?
Softly, I heard my tears begin to fall and I wiped them hastily with the sleeves of my jacket. What am I supposed to tell her now?
Somberly, I stood and walked back home. I would have to tell her sooner or later.
Nothing registered in my mind until I was standing in front of my own house. Why did I feel like such a stranger?
I felt like I should've knocked on the door until I realized that this was where I lived so I just took out my key and walked in. Right away, I saw my mother cooking as always. "Hey, honey," she smiled at me.
I suppose it was mother's intuition or something, but she quickly realized something was wrong and hugged me. Suddenly, a wave crashed over me. I could no longer hold back my tears. My eyes burst out into fat drops of my tears. It was the hardest I had cried in years. "I'm sorry mom," I had managed to choke out.
She patted my back and then smiled at me. She held a tissue in her hand, wiping my tears as they continuously fell down my face. I felt her smile radiating around me, soothing every groove of my body until my body had finally calmed down. She took me in her arms once again and said, "I'm proud of you."
