My conflicted colors

Before dawn is midnight

It all started with an award winning vfx animation.

Before that, I was as normal as a middle school nerd-but-friendly-and-over excited girl. I had no best bud, but I had lots of friends as I was a real chatterbox. Relationship scandals among us and even among seniors were hot topic in those days. We girls used to gather chair and tables

In a circle and sit and giggle about the latest news of a boy fumbling over written down words to ask a girl out. About break up and crushes.

But I was an exception. Whenever I was asked, So what's your crush. I would turn up my blunt nose and say, Ewww, I don't have one. First they used to think I was lying. But if a person does not yield alternate answers even head aching amounts of persuasion, threats and begging, it must be the truth. Then they stopped asking me. I was fine with it.

In my country love marriages are rare. And in those days, gay couples were unheard of. Or more accurately, I was oblivious to those like all the normal people around me.If you want to get married, your parents fix one for you. And usually you have to get married. Something about the underline in the have irked me. I belong to a very open family, and so sometime in forgotten past I had declared loudly, I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Every life has its midnight. The darkest year in my 16 year year old life soon followed and I was introduced to mild depression and loneliness. I was separated from those lunch hour friends, carted of to a different class. I did not know the people there. I tried hard to mix with them but I failed miserably. I used to sit alone in a corner with no one to talk to. I used to be a chatterbox. It hurt to not open your mouth once during the 8 hrs of school.

Apart from that I began struggling with my studies. I had always been a good student but I was unable to keep up with the standard. Thus things got bad at home. Screaming, crying, silence at dinner table were daily. Every night my parents towered over me with stupid maths book open in front me with me silently crying. I cried because it hurt that I was not able to satisfy what they wanted, even after they gave me so much. It hurt to be scolded by the people who were my best friends and the only thing I loved...........other than books.

I was always an ardent reader, reading books way not for my age. But with everything going wrong around me I buried myself in books. I did not know what fandom or fangirling was then, I just loved the books for the stories they gave me. And the vfxs. The 4-6 min wonders spun a world and a meaning of their own. They let me drown in a world of my making.

Then I came across the animation:'In a heartbeat'. I giggled and laughed when I saw the boy chase after his own heart which was smitten with a handsome boy. I loved it for what it was. I did not think twice about the fact that this love story was different from the others. It was love and I accepted it for what it was. I never questioned it.

I don't know why but apart from these few memories of that year, I don't remember anything. Not what the bad grades were, nor who used to bully me. The memories are blurry, like I seeing them from under the water. Its like my brain wanted me to forget them. So I did. I seriously don't remember anything.

There was this girl in the class I desperately wanted the attention of. I wanted to talk with her, have lunch with her, and sit beside her. I hadn't even seen her before that year. But i was drawn to her. Then I didn't understand. I still do not understand. The strong gravity that pulled me towards her, like it was showing me a path to clear future.My nickname to her is Preets. I am not giving her actual name.

But her best friend and she stuck together and they kinda thought I was crazy. Next year, things changed. The final results had been horrible of course with me scoring a personal worst. I desperately wanted a new start. Desperately, selfishly I hoped that Preets would be in my class and not her friend.

I found myself in a class with a lot of my previous friends. I happily sat with them, declining the pull and request from Preets who had been separated from her best friend.

But I soon found out that my former friends were not like they had been 2 years ago.