For Yourself

Gerard ran out of the school as fast as possible, looking behind him to make sure he wasn't being followed. He was. The guy behind him didn't show any signs of letting him go, even after Gerard hopped on his bike, peddling full throttle. He tore down the sidewalk, small legs peddling at an inhuman pace. He glanced behind him once more, heart pounding in his ears. The erratic thumping seemed to count down the seconds until he got caught. Joel ran after him, face unreadable from the distance, but no doubt angry.

Biting his lower lip, Gerard turned his head to face front just in time to see the telephone pole directly in front of him. He yelped, trying to steer away from the obstacle, but only succeeded in toppling him and his rickety bike.

He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. His muscles deflated, the bike on top of him crushing his small body. Gerard knew Joel had caught up to him, but he refused to acknowledge him. He couldn't do what Joel wanted. They couldn't have what other people had. But that didn't stop Joel from trying. 

"Hi," came the all too familiar voice from above him.

"Go away," Gerard demanded, opening his eyes to see Joel's soft brown orbs staring back at him, dark hair shining in the sun. 

Joel tapped his chin, thinking for a moment. Then, "Nope."

The bigger boy lifted the bicycle off of him, leaning it against the telephone pole. He crossed his arms, raising his eyebrows. "Why did you run away." it wasn't a question, it was a command.

Gerard stood, brushing off his dusty hoodie. He patted the large pocket, feeling the familiar lump of his sketchbook. He breathed a silent sigh of relief, turning his attention back to Joel. "Because I, I can't go through with this. It's, it's not about you o-or, or me, I can't... I can't do a relationship right now." he said truthfully, not knowing why he answered at all.

Gerard could feel Joel's gaze on him, silently asking him to elaborate. He wrapped his arms around himself, looking at his muddy shoes. His hand twitched, yearning to reach for Joel's comforting embrace, but he held back. Joel's interest in him would soon turn into disgust when he found out. No one could ever... Ever...

"Ever what? " Joel asked, clearly annoyed.

Had he said that aloud? Gerard shook his head, not looking up from the ground. "Nothing."

"Oh." he didn't sound convinced. 

Gerard finally met his eyes, glaring at him with as much malice as he could muster, sure he looked more like a startled puppy than frightening. Joel's ever raised eyebrow flew even higher, his lips turning upward slightly. "I've got all day Ge, why won't you talk to me?"

He opened his mouth to say something deep and profound but shut it quickly. "Technically, we're supposed to be in school right now, so we don't have all day." he pointed out, mentally slapping himself.

Joel laughed, a sound that made Gerard's heart do a somersault in his chest. "You're right, so better talk quickly. Why did you run away from me? Do you hate me?"

Did he? 

"No." Gerard decided, thinking back to the almost-kiss. The kiss that could have happened if he hadn't run away. The kiss that could never happen no matter what he felt for Joel or what Joel felt for him.

Shaking his head and sitting down on the sidewalk, Gerard pulled out his sketchbook and flipped to his latest drawing. They may be here for a while, might as well entertain himself. He stared at the page, trying to make himself as small as possible, unwanted memories flying through his head in a loud cacophony of voices and conversations. He picked up his pencil, scribbling down harsh lines and shadows to match the tone of his thoughts.