Fighter

Secrets

Next part may be triggering. Skip this chapter if triggered by self harm. Love you all!
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It's been about a solid 4 months since the hospital thing. Sam knows about one of my darkest secrets, the boys have caught on as well. After seeing me come to the house crying every other night with new bruises, the asked me about it. I sat them down and told them the truth- some of it anyways. I left out the biggest thing my dad did to me.... he raped me a few times. Even Sam doesn't know that. It's a big part of why I self harm- it's a coping skill. A bad one. The guys, after discussing it for a week, decided to let me move in. I hugged them all in appreciation and cried tears of joy for the first time in years. I moved into a guest bedroom of theirs with a bathroom attached. The guys and I have gotten really close. Sam and I have gotten even closer. He has a girlfriend named Kat who I get along with super good- same with Corey's girlfriend. Colby and I have had a good bond from the start- something different than the rest of my friendships with the others. We're closer- physically. We're touchy. I really like spending time with him and trust him, but I can't let him know about the secrets hidden underneath my long sleeves. I have scars upon scars lined up and down both arms. Some are really old- some are new as hell. I can't seem to stop- I hate myself. It's all I crave lately. Even now, I find myself longing for the feeling of metal against my skin, but we're not home yet so I have to wait. We're just about to get home from a long day of filming.
"Thanks for helping out, guys. We should stay at another haunted hotel sometime again! It was so fucking fun!" We all nod and laugh. Soon enough we arrive home. We all gather our things and head to our rooms. I say goodnight and rush to my room. I shut my door, breaking down in sobs. Why am I so ugly? So fat? So disgusting? I'm a scared up freak- who could ever love me. By now, tears are cascading down my cheeks. I rush to the tub, grabbing my blade. I turn on the hot water, letting it rush down my body. I look down at my scared arms, blade in my right hand. I hesitate for a second, but I eventually give in anyways. I swipe left to right, unleashing all of my anger out. By now, blood is everywhere. This cut was rather deep but not deep enough to do extreme damage. I wait for the blood to stop, and then I wash my body. I get out and throw on some pajamas. I crawl into my bed and drift off to sleep.
Pranks; something so simple but something that can cause complete chaos. The prank wars have begun- I was the target this morning. No one was home- I had slept in rather late. Today Corey thought it would be funny to shake me awake and scare the shit out of me so I'd fall into a pool of water under my bed. When he shook me, he had reopened my cut. He hadn't noticed until he saw the pool full of blood. At first he thought it was simply my period and apologized multiple times until he saw my blood stained shirt. He walked towards me, I backed away in fear of him discovering my secret. "Harley, please let me take a look... this is a lot of blood. I won't say anything..." I panic but reluctantly give in. I nod and he walks over to me. He slowly grabs my left arm, rolling up the sleeves gently, freezing for a moment when seeing the scars. He rolls it up farther, exposing my fresh wound. He gasps, covering his mouth out of shock and fear. By now, tears are streaming down my face. "I'm going to get some stuff to clean this and wrap it. Stay here, okay?" I nod as he walks towards the bathroom. He grabs out the first aid kit every bathroom has, getting out some bandages, antibiotic cream, gauze, and some wrap. He lathers the bandage up in some cream, trying to figure out the best way to close the wound. "Just throw a bandaid on it- it's fine. You don't need to close it. It'll heal just fine," I tell him, trying to keep him at ease. He shakes his head, grabbing some butterfly bandaids and closes it. After that, he throws on a large bandaid and puts gauze over it Incase. After that, he wraps it up to keep some pressure on it. "Fuck, Harley, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't mean to hurt you. Like, I'm glad I know, I'm just sorry I reopened it and made you bleed everywhere. Please don't do this to yourself- you don't deserve this. No one does. How long has this been going on? Why?"
"I'm okay, Corey. And it's not your fault- you had no idea! No one does. I'm pretty good at hiding them! I've been doing this for about 7 years. It started when my dad became so abusive and started to hurt me. He's done horrible things, Corey.... horrible, horrible things..." I break down. The rape, the abuse, the hurtful words, etc all come flooding through my brain at full speed. I can't breath. Corey hugs me- I cling onto him like I'm drowning. "What has he all done, Harley. Let it out- I'm not going to judge you!"
"He... he r-raped me, Corey. Raped. I was 13. Why would he do that? I hate myself for it."
"Harley, you didn't deserve that. This is none of your fault. You can't do this to yourself- you are too beautiful and precious. The boys and I all love and care about you! Do any of the guys know??"
"No- I couldn't bear to tell them. They'll think I'm more of a freak than before. Please, Corey, don't tell anyone..."
"I have to tell Sam but that's it. He's the one who knows how to deal with all of this- not me. He's the one who brought you here, Harley. He wants to take care of you, and he's the one who's always home with you. He'll be able to help keep you safe. I'm sorry, Harley."
"It's f-fine... I get it. Is he home right now?"
"No, he'll be home soon. Then I'll go talk to him. Go to sleep or throw on some clothes. Whatever you want to do. He'll be up in probably less than an hour."
"Okay..."
"And Harley, stay safe. Okay? Please..."
"I will for now, I promise." He smiles and I smile back. He heads to downstairs. After about 10 minutes, I hear Sam and Colby come home. Corey tells Colby to come upstairs by me, I guess, because Colby soon comes into my room.
"Hey, love, how're you doing?"
"I'm okay, just a little tired. Corey decided to do a fucking pool prank on me this morning!"
"Oh god. Why is it red??" I panic. Shit I forgot about that.
"Uh, he decided to put some dye in it and pretend it was bloody as a prank. He got me so badly," I fake laugh. He buys it- thank fucking god. Colby and I just take about random stuff until I hear a knock on the door- it's Sam.
"Hey, Colby, can you give Harley and I some alone time? I need to talk to her about something. Just go downstairs with Corey. I'll be down soon," he says, looking at me with a reassuring smile. Colby nods, patting my hand on the way out. Sam shits the door as Colby leaves. I brace myself, terrified for what Sam will think of me now.