As we laid in damp grasses and stared into space not having a thought in the world just admiring the stars he out of no where
Asked me
"Do you want to live or die?"
I said "both."
He looked with sincerity in his eyes &
He then asked me
"Why?"
Taking a death breath and looking back at the stars
I said "I want to live
Because there is so much beauty in this world of mine like the stars, the sky, the moon, the plants, the little you creations you can make, or the moments with people you love like right now...so much i can name. But i want to die because living hurts you experience some things you can't recover from and I've been through some shit. I never like to elaborate on it because what good would it do? it wouldn't change a damn thing... to be honest i don't want to live or die because they are both struggles... with living everything feels like a lie i don't know how to explain it but everything seems fake which makes me think about death but I don't want to die because I'm scared of how death would feel. Would it feel like everyone hitting you with a wrecking ball at the same time? Or would I feel nothing? What comes after death anyway? Between Heaven & Hell where do I belong? Confused I am. Hypocrite I might be.
I don't know anymore I've just stopped trying to find an answer I just want to drift off into a long deep sleep and go into a world nobody knows and feel okay there.A place that isn't describe as life nor death. I just desire something i don't know what it is yet I've been looking for it my whole life.it seems so far but yet so close. Maybe I'll find it or maybe i won't who knows.Does that answer you question yet or do you need more? "I chuckled.
"Nah, you gave me a good answer but hey with dying you can't eat no more of your favorite food" he said laughing.
"Yeah I guess I'd miss that and you. "
We both both laughed and eventually went back to silence just admiring what we had in front of us. I felt safe in that moment. I felt okay.
-T. A. B.
