Grief (Avengers Endgame One-Shot Series)

1

*mildly-triggering themes

Peter couldn't get it out of his head. The first time he'd met his idol... years before the spider and everything else.

Nice work, Kid.

He'd turned those words over in his head a million times before. Every time he'd felt like too big of a failure to ever do anything, he'd remembered them. Remembered how he'd saved all those people... remembered how Iron Man had saved him.

And he'd thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd saved him for a reason.

And then he'd walked into his apartment, a tired freshman in high school, and Tony Stark has been there. He'd been desperate for a father-figure to look up to, a mentor to guide him as he tried to figure out how to help the little person, and Tony had been there.

He'd gotten anxiety attacks after having a building was dropped on him, and Tony had been there. He'd felt his body disintegrate, been torn apart by pain and fear, and Tony had been there, holding him and not allowing him to feel alone.

Alone. That's how he felt right now. Completely, utterly, terrifyingly alone. May was next to him, hand on his shoulder, as if she knew and was trying to banish the feeling. But it just wouldn't go.

He loved May... loved her more than anyone else in the world. But he had to look after her. He had to make sure she was safe and healthy and taken care of because she'd done that for him when he was younger and now it was his turn. There was a time when he'd felt able to do that... when Tony was alive and looking after him.

Now, he felt helpless, like his entire world was gong to slip away and he would be defenseless, unable to do anything but watch, begging it not with futile desperation.

Just like he'd knelt beside Mr. Stark and begged him not to leave when he knew he was about to.

He had no right to feel like this... not here, surrounded by so many others who had known and loved Tony. Just look at his widow and their daughter, a girl he instantly felt the need to protect and care for, but who right now he was afraid to because he was so sure he was going to mess that up too. That was all he did when it came to family... screw up.

It was a miracle he still had May and Ned. He wondered how long it would be before he lost them too.

Nice work, Kid.

Yeah, he wouldn't say that If he could see him now. God, he'd be so disappointed.

Peter was a mess, but that wasn't why. Tony had seen him as a mess plenty of times. No, he would be disappointed because Peter was so determined to get through it on his own. That was something Tony has worked so hard to get him past, particularly with his anxiety. And he'd done it for the most part. But Peter had seen how that had gone. He wasn't doing it again.

Especially because having someone be his parent figure seemed to be just about the equivalent of drawing a target on their forehead.

As the official ceremony ended and people began to softly converse among themselves, Peter could feel himself breaking. He'd held himself together this entire time, and he was reaching the point where he knew he couldn't do it much longer.

May squeezed his shoulder gently before moving a few paces away to where Happy and Rhodey were standing. Despite the trace of comfort her presence brought, Peter was relieved that her back was turned now. Because he needed to get out of here, and he didn't want anybody to know... not even May. Because he didn't want to risk anybody following him and seeing him cry like a baby. He was an Avenger... Mr. Stark had made him an Avenger, just like everyone else he was surrounded by. He should be as strong as all of them were being... but he couldn't be. And he wasn't about to cry his eyes out in front of so many of his childhood heroes.

He scanned the area to make sure no one would see if he slipped away. He didn't see anyone looking at him. No, Mr. Stark was always the one watching him to make sure he was alright. His throat seemed to close at the thought. He needed to get out of there.

But as he was about to make his escape, he heard his name and focused back in on the conversation May was having.

"So... how's Peter holding up?" Rhodey asked, tears still choking his voice.

His aunt let out a long sigh. "He won't talk about it. I've tried, but... he won't really talk about much of anything. I'm getting really worried about him. He would have never admitted it, but Tony... he was like a father to him."

A sad smile touched Happy's face. "You should have heard Tony talk about the kid. He thought the world of Peter. Losing him... it broke him until Morgan came along... she was like his second chance. He one-hundred-percent thought of Peter as his own son, and he wasn't afraid to show it."

"He also wasn't afraid to say it," Rhodey laughed through more tears. "He called him my kid more times than I can count."

That was finally too much for Peter, and, with one final check to make sure no one was watching, he turned and walked away as fast as he could. The minute he was around the corner of the house, the tears all came out in a rush. He stumbled up the steps of the front porch before his legs gave out under him and he fell back onto the porch swing.

And he cried.

He cried for everything... for his parents, who he'd never been given the chance to know. For his uncle, who maybe wouldn't be dead if he had been out there on patrol instead of hiding inside their home, afraid of his new powers. He cried for that bite... that spider bite that had sent his life spiraling into such chaos. He cried for May, and everything raising him had done to her, everything she'd had to give up. Maybe if he'd never been there, Ben wouldn't have been out that night and May wouldn't be a widow. Maybe he just ruined everything. He cried for that... for how much of a screw up, how much of burden, he was. He cried for homecoming and the visions that hadn't ceased to haunt him since.

And most of all, he cried for Tony. Tony, his childhood hero. Tony, who'd started saving his life when he was just a little kid. Tony, who'd sat down next to him on his bed and gently pulled him into his life, under his wing. Tony, who had only ever gotten angry with him when he scared him... when he put people, and especially himself, in danger. Tony, who took away his suit and then still believed in him so much that he went home and started making another one. Who walked straight out of his armor to prove him wrong when Peter dared to tell him he didn't care.

Tony, who checked to make sure his homework was done and he was getting enough sleep and eating enough and he was doing okay before he even asked about his superhero work. Tony, who was always watching to make sure he was okay, who always knew when he was lying to him, who was always there to listen and be someone for Peter to lean on, no matter what it was that he was dealing with. Tony, who had him over to headquarters to watch movies or play games or do science whenever he knew he was having a bad time with his anxiety, and sometimes just because he said he needed his time with him.

Tony, who'd sat him down the first time he'd had an attack around him, patiently pushed back his ashamed, tear-filled apologies, and told him he got them too, told him in personal detail how he knew exactly what he was going through. Tony, who'd made him an Avenger and continued to mentor him and do everything he could to protect him, even when he did something as stupid as sneaking on board that ship. Who understood him and believed in him and took him seriously, even when he used movies to make up battle plans.

Tony, who'd held him in what had been the most terrifying moment of his life til then, while he felt his body disintegrate underneath him. Tony, who'd cried and pulled him into such a tight hug, kissed him like he really was his son, the minute he was in front of him again.

Tony, who'd given up his life to save Peter and everyone else.

At this point, Peter wished he'd died with him. Because everything hurt... everything was just pain, closing in around him and suffocating him. Everything was that feeling of aloneness that he'd been running from his entire life.

And he just wanted it to stop.