Sparks

But I promise you this,
I'll always look out for you
My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to
And I saw sparks

This shouldn't have been happening, not on a night like tonight. Not when they had a show the next day and they'd been told countless times before never to drink before a show.
"I'm not drinking." She said while filling her third cup again to the very top "I'm getting drunk." She smiled, it was obvious her mind was gone.
It was also obvious that Perrie did not have to be there, she was a big girl, she'd told her that when Perrie went to warn her after her second cup. "You don't have to be here, you know?" She slurred as she stared at the last of it.
She nodded "I know." She reassured and stayed, sitting on the stool next to hers, watching as she gazed into her cup, like she was willing it to do something.
She did not have to be there, but in the same sense she did. The girl, of course, was plenty capable of handling herself, making her own decisions, and tonight she'd decided to break the rules. To drink and to get drunk and Perrie had to be there because no one else would. Everyone else was content with letting her alone, heading off to bed after she'd sent them away, ensuring them that she was "a big girl". That she could "handle herself". Perrie knew better, though. When she was drunk, there was always an innocence about her. Alcohol turned her into a child claiming she was a big girl and she became vulnerable, subject to some sort of usually pretty harmless form of self-hurt.
Perrie had to protect her.
Now they were sitting in the kitchen area on the bus and Perrie was watching her sulk over her third cup, her first still sat untouched beside her. She'd insisted that Perrie have a drink with her if she was going to stay.
The girl took a long breath before drinking all of it in about 7 large gulps. She coughed once she was finished and Perrie went to pat her back immediately "Leigh." She sighed.
The girl shook her head "I'm alright. I'm fine." She held her stomach and Perrie thought that maybe she was going to vomit but then she looked up at her, she didn't look sick, just hurt.
Her choice of harm tonight would be self-loathing.
"Is it me?" Leigh Anne asked in a whisper.
Perrie scoffed "Are you mad? No, it is not you. None of this is your fault."
She looked down "He sure made it seem that way." She lifted her head up again "He'd said he'd done it because I'd left him and he was lonely, because I was never there when he needed me. Can you believe that?" she sounded almost shocked, like she hadn't let his words fully resonate until that moment.
"I can believe it, he'll make up any excuse to take the heat off of him. Asshole." Perrie had been particularly angry when Leigh had told them all that he'd cheated, again.
It was maddening to think anyone could possibly hurt someone as giving, as loving, as beautiful as the girl sitting in front of her.
Even with their busy schedules she'd always tried her best to make time, to make sure that she was doing her part in their relationship and they all knew it because they'd witnessed it. They'd seen how she'd call and text multiple times a day and get no reply, how he'd yell at her for the dumbest things and she'd just take it, how she'd send him gifts to smooth out the tension that he'd caused and it pissed Perrie off.
Now Leigh Anne was sitting in front of her drunk off of her ass, heartbroken and out of answers. Again.
Her curls were a lovely mess that grew from the top of her head like flowers, her face was puffy from the tears she'd shed after the first cup, she was drunk and she was precious.
Perrie could literally picture the halo floating atop of her hair and she wanted to protect her more than anything. She wanted to stand in front of her and shield her from the world.
How unrealistic. No adult wants a hero, no big girl wants to feel helpless.
Still the desire to save the damsel in distress grew inside of Perrie once the tears started welling up in Leigh Anne's big, brown eyes. She could never be the knight in shining armor but at least she could be a tissue.
She caught one of her tears before it got its chance to run down her cheek "I hate that you let him do this to you?" Perrie admitted absent-mindedly. It wasn't her place but Leigh Anne didn't mind the honesty, she felt at times that she needed it.
She sniffled "I know. I invest so much of myself into loving Jordan and he just takes and takes. He hurts me and I always go back. Why do I always go back?" She mumbled to herself before smacking her palm against her forehead "You're such a fucking idiot, Leigh Anne."
Perrie stood up then "No you are not." She gathered her into her arms as Leigh Anne began crying again "You are no such thing. You're amazing. Beautiful. Kind. Smart. Talented. Funny. Loving. You're everything and Jordan and anyone else who doesn't think that's enough is the idiot." She rubbed her back gently, resting her cheek on top of Leigh Anne's pillow soft curls, closing her eyes.
She'd stopped crying but didn't pull away or stiffen in Perrie's arms, she melted more into her as her hand traveled down to her lower back and her rubs became light, gentle circles "You're just in love. You give your all to somebody, trust them with your heart only to have them break it. It's the worst kind of betrayal but love makes you so blind and dumb that you think the only thing to make the pain go away is to trust the person that hurt you in the first place to heal you in the end. That's why we go back."
She was speaking from experience, she knew first-hand how it felt to be stabbed by the one person you'd expected to be there forever. She, like Leigh Anne, had given her heart, soul, mind, body and spirit to a villain claiming the title hero.
She also knew that even after the heartache, if he would've come back asking for another chance she would've graciously given it to him. Because for such a long time she'd felt empty without that love, Perrie would've given anything to be filled like that again.
Luckily, he never asked for a second chance.
It took months to recover but Perrie had been able to refill herself, to regain that missing piece all on her own. It had been difficult but being stronger, more confident, and more prepared for the next love battle sure as hell beat granting him entry again just to have a temporary since of wholeness.
She also remembers Leigh Anne being there for her in those months just as she always had been. Playing a similar yet slightly different role than the one Perrie was playing tonight. Making her laugh, sitting beside her in silence as she stared ahead at nothing, lightening the mood, defending her honor against the media and other's that also tried to make her anguish seem like her own fault. Always giving the guilty party the benefit of the doubt while giving her the "stupid, naïve girl" verdict.
Leigh Anne had been there to be a tissue, to shower her with compliments and comforting embraces among other things.
Among many other, unspoken things.
Leigh Anne pulled away and looked at Perrie as she wiped the tears from her face "We would never hurt each other if there ever was an 'us'." She was sincere and she left Perrie unmoved, they'd had this talk before.
Never sober and never in daylight, around people that could hear. Never seriously. It was just a thought that the both of them had from time to time and that they were only ever brave enough to bring up when there was alcohol involved.
It wasn't something that was ever really considered out loud, only thought about and mentioned, always true.
They both got sick of seeing the other unhappy because they both carried a piece of the other with them at all times and they both wanted to protect one another, always. What better way to ensure this fortification than to be the one guarding the other's hearts.
They both knew this but there would be no effort in actually going for it once the drunkenness subsided, there would be no talk of "us" tomorrow.
Perrie asked "Why isn't there an 'us'?"
That was different and Leigh Anne seemed surprised as if she hadn't brought it up in the first place. She looked passed Perrie, working the question together. She was about to say something but sucked in her breath and closed her mouth instead. Her face softened and she looked back at Perrie "My heart is yours, you know?" She said simply.
"And mine yours." Perrie replied.
Her hand still rest gently against Leigh's tear streaked cheek and she leaned into it and closed her eyes. She placed her own hand on top of Perrie's and smiled gently "Thank you for always being here for me." She held.
"I'll always be here for you. I'll always look out for you. I promise." Perrie moved her hand down and caught Leigh Anne's chin, lifting it gently so that they were looking at each other.
Leigh Anne nodded "And I you." And as if by secret agreement they leaned in at the same time. They met one another in the middle, Perrie's hand under Leigh Anne's chin, Leigh Anne's hand on the hook of her hip.
Their lips met as if it were routine at that point and when they pulled away and looked at each other again Perrie saw them; bright white sparks in the ovals of her precious piece's eyes. And when they went into the motions, made their way to the empty bunk towards the back of the bus where no one could hear them, began doing the many, unspoken things that they'd always do when they were overcome with emotion and vodka the sparks remained.
And in the final moment before Leigh Anne shut her eyes, Perrie stole one more look and in the glass she could see her own eyes staring back at her.
She saw sparks igniting in them too.