Okay so. I'm gonna share this because I know only one person is gonna read this. I'm going to curse just a warning Anyways I met this girl a while ago. I actually wrote about her once or twice on here. We started dating the day we became friends. I fell in love with the idea of her. She called me cute names and made me feel smol. I loved that. She was really really clingy tho. I thought I would get used to it. I didn't. She would always text me and spam me and I hated it. It was only one flaw so I didn't talke about. She always mis gendered me and dead named me whenever I wasn't paying attention for a few seconds. I always played it off as a joke but it actually hurt a lot. She always accused me of things. She would always bring up the fact saying she was abused as a child. I don't believe it. Because she would always say it even when we weren't talking about it. She also told me the first day we met. I told her how sometimes my parents I feel are mentally abusive. She threatened to kill them. She was so overprotective and not in the good way. Once my friend had called me cute on my insta post. And she was such a bitch. She wouldn't let me explain my friends and how we are all supportive of each other. I thought this was normal so I did nothing about it. She also would ask things of me that I wasn't comfortable with. Like sexual things. She would try to get me to do this but sending me sexual pictures of her. I wasn't comfortable with it at all but I played along. She didn't get much out of me. I hated it though. She would call me daddy and what not. Like I'm fine with that but. Lemme put it in terms my friend used. I like calling people daddy not being called daddy. She would always try and get me to turn her on. It was just so annoying. She said if we ever met up "we would do things" In her words. I wasn't comfortable with it. I was never comfortable with any of it. I thought it was just new because I wasn't used to it. She would always find a reason to get mad at me. I didn't like it. I hated being with her. I was to scared to leave. I'll get to that later. One night while we were texting she told me that she wanted to adopt a child. The child was like 5. Already in her family. She would just become it's parent. She wouldn't be allowed to have custody until 16. I would be 15. She wanted me to help her take care of a living child with her. I told her I didn't want that She didn't care at all. This is when all the stress and anxiety of everything got worse. I didn't want anything in this relationship. It was fucked up. I didn't want to tell anyone though. I didn't like it at all. Like we broke up but she still acted like we were dating and I didn't like that. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. The reason I didn't leave her sooner was because she said she would kill herself if I ever left her. I refused to be the cause of someone killing themselves. She told me exactly how she would do it. I was terrified that she would go through with it. And the entire thing would be just cause I didn't have feelings for her. She said that she never loved anyone before me. She said that she didn't know emotion before she met me. She said she had loved me for over a year. Which was funny because all forms over social media she follows me on I have only had for a few months but I went with it. I pointed it out though. She said that it felt like a year. I had kept this all hidden. I don't know how. Then one day my friend asked me about it and I just spilled my guts out to her. I hid many details from her. I'm hiding less details here because I don't want to put EVERYTHING out in the world yet. I opened up to this friend. I opened up to people on Tumblr. Yeah it seems dumb "oh Tumblr lol" Actually I got a lot of support. I wrote something about her and posted it on Instagram to see if she got the hint. She didn't.
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This is what I wrote. If you notice in the bottom left corner it says, in a color barely lighter than black, Help Me Please. I got a lot of people asking what's wrong. I wasn't ready to talk about it considering I was still in the relationship. She didn't get the hint. She asked what was wrong and I said nothing. She left it be. I stayed in the relationship longer. She never brought it up again. She would get mad at me whenever I had a bad day. And she would still make me compare her to my ex. (For anyone who knows me IRL I'm talking about Janelle not Danielle cause she doesn't know about Dani) I didn't like it because I loved Janelle a lot and I still love her... Just not in the relationship way. Anyways. This girl would always make me compare her. I didn't like it... At all. But I ignored that. It was my main priority to make sure she's okay. Even if I wasn't. All this stress and anxiety was building up and I couldn't take it. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. I just wanted to end it all. I couldn't take it. I thought it would be the easiest way to end the relationship without hurting her. I didn't make an attempt though. I havent self harmed for over a month and I'm proud. My last suicide attempt was over 3 months ago. I didn't make another attempt. Thank. God. I started planning on leaving her. I just had to find the right time. The day before I did it I thought she finally took the hint of the picture. She didn't. She said the exact same thing to me the next morning. It was just a lyric prank. Later that night I decided to just end the relationship. I told her that I wasn't as happy with it as I used to be and that I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore Happy ending right? Wrong. Trigger warning trigger warning She told me she was going to kill herself. Then she asked me why I left her. I made up some bullshit that my feelings changed and yada yada. I didn't say anything about how unhappy I was. I also said a lot of things I did. I also made up some bullshit. She told me she was gonna kill herself. I spent an hour trying to get her to stop. I think I did. Cause the next morning I saw that she was recently active. Like 5 minutes recently. So I decided that I would unfollow her and block her. That may seem like and asshole move but I didn't want her in my life. It was what was best and what everyone recommend. I blocked her on all accounts. I blocked her on tik tok. I blocked her on everything. I couldn't take haveing her in me life. Knowing me I would end up feeling worse and get back with her. I thought I would feel more relieved than I am. I know it's what is best for me. I know it will help in the future. I just didn't think it would hurt this much. I believe I'm "recovering" Well. But tbh we all know that's a lie and I'm doing everything to avoid recovery. I don't want he run my life. I don't plan on adding her back in anytime soon Also. I would like to thank cinnamwon and everyone on Tumblr (who helped) for giving me advice. Giving me support and not losing their shit at me. I know everyone who I told know it is what's good for me. I know they all saw this as toxic. I thought I would've seen it. I didn't. Sometimes you just need a little help. I got help, love, support, and everything. I am hoping that ending this will help me be smol more often. I am also hoping that if anyone is in a relationship they are uncomfortable with or they are unhappy with that they get help. And if anybody wants to talke to me about relationships like this than feel free to message me. Again thanks to every single person who helped me through this situation. That is all Bye 🌻
