End Me

~--- CONTAINS SUICIDAL BEHAVIOUR AND THOUGHTS---~

Huh. Here I am. Trapped in life. Tied to this punching bag. Hitting my thoughts out.

Listening to that one song over and over and over again. Not giving a f*ck about the environment anymore.

What do you want from me?

People should stop. They should leave me alone. Why are all those people here? Yui. Kousuke. Father. Every single damned person of the high class. But, there are you...

Why don't you run from me?

They already got me here. They already made me theirs, a deformed monster. Don't be fooled. My friends... Why do I even have friends? They should leave me behind. For their own sakes... Shin-Ae, Dieter, Soushi. Just run.

What are you wondering? What do you know?

Shin-Ae. You look at me weirdly and we just became friends. How come? You seem to be aware. Your looks are getting through my wall, you don't know... But at the same time you do. How do you do that?

Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?

Stop, Shin-Ae. You don't need to do this. The way you care for me will destroy you. It will be in vain. Please, wake up. Watch out.

When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

What would happen then? People say that dreams would show what your subconscious is expressing. I can't help but wonder what others might think. I don't even care about mine. I know what it says.

Come here

I want to help her.

Say it, spit it out, what is it exactly

Shin-Ae seems like she's in trouble, always, and no one is able to even observe her behaviour.

You're payin'? Is the amount cleanin' you out, am I satisfactory?

Can I even do that? Help her? Maybe it's useless. Maybe I'm just a failure, it wouldn't be anything new. Possibly, I'm just a way for her to be reminded of what plagues her.

Today, I'm thinkin' about the things that are deadly

I should stop that. No. I don't want to. What was all those years of fighting against all these people worth then? I made it so far. I got so far in my life, even with all these failures... Except that no. I didn't.

The way I'm drinkin' you down

Like I wanna drown, like I wanna end me

It's not like I want to, right? I don't want to get dragged down by theses thoughts, or this certain thing that is getting my self-esteem lower and lower every day. I know I can not hold out for long but... I am not using Shin-Ae while I try to help her, do I?

Step on the glass, staple your tongue

Oh how well I know this line. It's like my whole parental relationship all over again.

Bury a friend, try to wake up

Bury a friend... Maybe that's me. Maybe, the formal did it's job in showing that I only worsen things. I make things break and I make things fail.

Cannibal class, killing the son

Killing... What a strong word. It's always a strong word, yet soft enough to think of it as a sweet dream. As long as it's no reality, my friends would be fine with it.

Bury a friend, I wanna end me

At this point of the song, this is where I should stop listening. I should stop.

I wanna end me

Stop.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna

What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me?

What are you wondering? What do you know?

I'm sure someone knows. I'm sure at least one of my friends knows of this, of me. Of this awful weakness.

Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?

When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

Listen

By now, I have thrown my headphones off and completely gone on it. Two, three, four lower punches, then a lower punch and even a kick. I don't want to be anymore. The worst thing of listening and being addicted to this song is the fact that it pulls at me.

That I actually want to end me.

"Yeong-Gi?"

.

.

.

.

As Soushi and Dieter watch the tombstone, they can't even measure the impact that it has on them.

Here lies

Nolan Ayers-Oliver Turlough-Lance Lochlainn

†December 21, 2019

"Yeong-Gi was not his real name?" Dieter's question still arrived through his quivery voice. His shivering couldn't recede even if the German wanted to. "No", Soushi replied, his voice monotonous and rock-solid, as if he wasn't dying inside. Yeong-Gi and him had shared the most. And it had been amazing to have such a supportive friend. But now, surroundings got the better of him. "I gotta tell you the story later", he quickly commented as he threw one last glance at the real catalyst. The one who caused all of this.

Yui.

What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me?

What are you wondering? What do you know?

Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?

When we all fall asleep, where do we go?

Careful