In This Room

Chapter 3 - In My Blood

Chris knocks at the door and speaks through the wood, "Good morning, sleepyhead! Today's the day! I'm getting married! And I need your ass to get out of bed and get ready. Don't want to be late!"

He groans at Chris and pulls the covers over his head. "Two more minutes, man. It's so early," he mumble-yells from the security of his spot in the guest bed.

"Nope, you're already late to get up! Where's that Canadian cheer, man?"

"Like me. It's not ready yet," he says rolling out of the bed, roughing up his hair.

"Okay, Shawn. It takes about an hour to drive from Lake Lure to Asheville, so you've got like 30 minutes. Please get ready fast."

He can hear Chris' feet slap down the hallway. He gets up and looks at himself in the full length mirror across the guest room. Grabbing his toothbrush and face wash, he heads down the hallway to the bathroom. He closes the door quietly behind him and begins his morning routine, thinking of the process of the wedding and all the things he had to remember before he and the boys leave for the church which is an hour away. As he brushes his teeth, he remembers the rehearsal from the night before. It hits him for the first time that he was partnered to walk her down the aisle.

His mind races with the memories of their past and how she treated him yesterday:

"You look good, Shawn," she whispers into his ear, linking her arm through his.

"So do you, Mags," he whispers. She still has on the purple scarf she found at the boutique a couple weeks earlier, even though it was warm inside the church.

She grasps his arm tighter, feeling his muscles between her fingers. "I'd rather be putting these strong arms of yours to a better use than walking down this aisle right now."

His heart quickens and he tries to focus at walking down the aisle at the same speed. "Don't talk to me like that. Especially here. You obviously haven't changed your mind. I want something more than just sex, you know that."

"But don't deny that you're thinking the same thing. I know how bad you want me."

Their friends were whooping and hollering at them walking down the aisle together. 'I think I know who's getting married next!' 'Don't forget to catch the bouquet at the reception, Mags!' 'Of course she's the lucky one who gets to walk with him.'

He could feel all the eyes on them as they reached the altar and split. As he turned back towards the entrance of the church from his position, he looked at the people around him and found his belief to be true. There wasn't a person in the chapel who wasn't looking at him. All these people, who don't know him personally, around him, looking at him. Judging him based on his behavior with her. His breath quickens and he attempts to loosen his collar. No matter how much tension he creates between his fingers and the top of the shirt, he still feels like he can't breathe.

He rinses his toothbrush off under the water and puts it on the countertop. He notices his rapid heart beat again. His breathing is out of control. He stands at the sink shirtless, but he still tries to pull at the invisible collar that he feels strangling him. The bathroom begins to feel smaller and smaller. The walls around him seem to cave in and squeeze him. His knees start to shake and he finds himself stumbling, hitting his back against the wall behind him. He lets his weight fall to the ground, breathing heavy and heart racing. The towel behind him slides off of the rack and into his lap. Hands shaking, he places it on the floor next to him and lays on top of it.

His whole body trembles as the thought of him walking down the aisle with her arm linked in his. The eyes. The whispers. The posts that would be on social media after the ceremony. The media blowing the situation out of proportion. The possibility of her being linked to a past article written about him and dating speculations beginning. His body continues to shake until he feels numb. Tears streaming down his face. No feeling of pain from shaking. No feeling of emotions. No tangibility to the experience yesterday. I could give up. Let myself lay here for eternity. But today's not that day. There can't be a day where I let myself get past this point.