Letters To Beatrice

page 07

i’m surprised you actually read my letters.

to be completely honest, there was a part of me that thought you threw them away as soon as you’d get them.

i’m glad you don’t.

now, i know you said you don’t want to hear from me, but i can’t simply pretend you no longer exist. (even though that’s all i did all these years)

i’m thinking of visiting you. how would you feel about that?

i miss you.

and i miss your eyes and your laugh and your will to make everyone around you the happiest you can.

you’re the most amazing person i’ve ever met and i’m such an idiot for not realizing that earlier.

maybe someday i’ll tell you my reasons.

don’t worry, you’re allowed to not agree. i wouldn’t either.

i can imagine your frustration reading this exact line. the fact that i think i know you and everything about you. 

i still hear your voice at night, your sobs pleading me to be sincere, to admit my mistakes.

“you’re a waste, nash. you disgust me and i’m feeling nothing, but hate for the person i’ve loved the most. what you did, and probably do, is unforgivable even for someone as stupid and naïve as me. oh god, i’m an idiot.” 

your cries still erase my sleep every night.

the pain in your voice, in your eyes.

i will never forgive myself.

so it’s okay if you do the same.

i’m a waste.