The Clara Effect

Flora

We were young and dumb.

We took so much for granted. The laughs we never fully appreciated together, the sleepovers that only lasted what felt like seconds, the things we did, the adventures we went on. All of the memories we made and planned to make, those were the moments I wished I had held on to. Those were the moments that I wished I expressed how happy I was.

And now, as I stand in her bathroom, seeing her blood on the tile floor, spilling out of her arms like a waterfall, I was taken back to those times of laughter and life. My body was frozen in place, a silent scream took over my face. Her mom rushed in just as my world went dark.

Then there were sirens.

Then tears that weren't mine.

Then...nothing.

The nothing was unbearable, it was so lonely, so empty, I needed something to fill it, but not even my writing worked. My fingers flew across the keyboard to type a new episode, but it meant nothing.

Because she was now nothing.

And I never saw it coming.

***

School started in exactly six days, the calendar on my wall told me so. The music that played in my ears was as loud as I could manage as I tried my absolute hardest to ignore that I was in this world, and not my dear world of my Archangel, Delilah.

Her heels clicked on the sidewalk as she

As she what? My fingers hovered over the keys, my mind not knowing what to do next.

I sighed, closed my laptop and lie down. My ceiling fan was on its highest setting, and I forced my eyes to follow one blade as it swung in the air. Hoizer played in my ears as the fan spun. Light was filtering in from a crack in my curtains, the sun beam fell on my desk, showing me how little attention I payed to dusting my room. It hinted at the posters on my wall and the pictures I tried not to look at. My eyes burned from dust and not blinking.

So I blinked, the hazy view around the fan disappeared and I returned to reality. A knock on my door made it official, and with a simple 'come in' my dad entered my room. He looked rough to say the least, his hair was a mess, the shadow on his chin that he always made sure wasn't there, was there. And worst of all he looked exhausted.

This summer had taken its toll on everyone, and if I didn't know Frankie as well as I did, I would say my dad was taking it the worst. But we would hopefully never feel the pain Frankie had felt, the pain the must have been so unbearable to carry. And I might have lost my best friend, but I would never understand losing a child.

My eyes began to water, I couldn't think about it then, but dad cleared his throat, drawing my attention to him once more, the water faded from my eyes, and it was seemingly bearable again at that moment to deal with such a loss.

"Do you want to come with me to get your school supplies?" He asked, and I nodded yes, we have done this dance before, the yes and no questions for weeks on end. Every time something would happen my mouth would clamp shut and only little bits of speech was able to escape my mouth. "Well then get dressed, kiddo, we aren't going to become the native people of Walmart, I won't allow it." He shook a finger at me and I smiled, he truly was the best dad in the world, I wanted to tell him so, but my mouth didn't seem like listening to me that day. He left my room and I got dressed, trading my pajama pants for jeans and my slippers for sneakers. I looked briefly in the mirror, my Powerpuff Girls tee shirt had a hole on one of the sleeves, and my jeans needed washed. I sighed once more and left, taking my headphones and phone with me.

"You ready, Flora?" Dad asked when I entered the kitchen, he was cleaning up his dishes from breakfast, he wiped his hands on his shirt.

"Yeah," I told him and he nodded, grabbing his keys and wallet.

The car ride was silent as we passed through the suburbs of Patterson like we were traveling through biofrost. Colors passed in high speed even though we were only going 55 mile per hour, it felt like we were flying. I wondered if Clara ever felt the feeling of flying, or if she ever felt happy at all. Was it all lie? Was she not really happy? Obviously not, she was not happy, she wouldn't have done it if she was. Thoughts like these trembled through my brain like a stampede, and as much as I tried, I couldn't make them go away.

"Where here." I looked out the window and saw Walmart, and then I saw Dad waiting for me, so I got out of the car and we went inside.

My mind was underwater, everything around me felt like it was far away and distant, the people, my Dad, the shelves. Nothing felt close, and it was a scary feeling, it made you feel lonely, because you felt that you were alone, and of all emotions that I had, that feeling is the one I hated the most.

"Flora," my Dad said, he sounded like he had said my name far too many times, I looked over at him and saw that he was already going down the notebook aisle. Following him down the aisle I saw a variety of different notebooks at different prices. I grabbed five of the cheapest, knowing paper is paper and they are all notebooks, price doesn't really matter. Then I grabbed four folders, one set of pencils, a pack of pens and a binder. "That it?" We both knew that it was. He looked disappointed, sad, and most of all tired. Maybe he was hoping that I would look around the candy aisle for four minutes trying to decide on which type of M&Ms I wanted or maybe he wanted me to pick the folders with the dogs and cats on them because they would make me smile. But I didn't, and he grabbed a pack of normal M&Ms and payed for my school supplies.

When we got to the car and he threw the M&Ms at me, I caught them, opening up the packet of goodness instantly. Old habits die hard.

"Thank you," I told him as we got into the car, I chewed on an M&M as I waited for his reply.

"For what, buttercup?" A small smile slipped onto my face at the nickname, he hadn't called me that in a while, I guess it's always the little things you miss the most.

"For buying my school stuff, and forcing me to go outside." He laughed, it had been so long since either of us had laughed, the cloud of grief had been hanging over our heads all summer. It had sucked, it was painful, it hurt so much to think that we were living without someone who had consumed our lives, and it felt wrong to laugh without her, but I did it anyways. I giggled at first, and then laughed along with Dad because I missed that, among all the other things that we had stopped doing since Clara. So for the first time all summer I stopped thinking about what wasn't there, and what was.

So I laughed.