Life and Complications

Entitled as depressed

Living with the pain, how it has grown, made my chest heavy. My head, my heart and my lungs are heavy too. Living in the dark, it isn't that. It is living with the dark, following it and making it follow you. Your shadow, your sorrow and you hope to be better tomorrow. As every single day has passed by, how i delayed it to tomorrow for the happiness, yet it never arrived. I guess i was late for it to catch me, or that darkness has swallowed up my body entirely. What pain is it? I don't know! Maybe I've known it in the past but I suppose I'm numb. There's everyone around you but you feel the presence of none. It is how dark my sense has become. I lay on my bed for hours, doing nothing but staring blank. I pass my nights doing nothing, and by nothing also included no sleep. Who would sleep after insomnia has kicked in, how the life has made a person stand on its two feet and broke them right after. I have my whole, but i still feel empty. I have my mind but it stays blank. People call mentally unstable, or how they see isn't just right. These are darkest hours, bring no light. I've been struggling daily into this fight. I've known, you've known. Some have witnessed, some are living. Life's purpose of pain reliving. There are dark tornadoes inside the head, while some are breathing and some are dead. All i feel is worthless, useless and something that shouldn't have existed. Or have i given up so quick.
While three in the night is meant to sleep, pillow faced, all night i weep. I've lost it, I've lost my sleep, my peace, my happiness and joy. Or am I getting it but I don't feel any. How I'm made is simply an easy answer. By nights, all awake and by the pain i take. Excuses to hold on, breathing and passing the time from my lifespan. I've seen happiness around me, but tripped myself when i tried catching it. I wondered why happiness escapes me, or have i been all happy? I expect a lot and i fail every time. I've taught myself not to expect anything from anyone but I cannot keep up with that. People tend to hurt me every time, but how i take the pain is all different. It would hurt, but it doesn't feel. Paralysed from the pain, i seek refuge somewhere. I see clouds above my head and thunderstorms within. I get myself rained with sorrow, heads down and speak of nothing but silence. I've been alone, i feel lonely. But i have been lonely and never felt alone, maybe i had myself but I didn't look for it. I look into my future and get anxiety about things that would never happen, things that are never going to happen. I give myself suffering and live with it. I have nothing to blame it upon, and i take everything life gives me. Pain is the greatest gift and living with it is a blessing. You could see the world in a different way. Everyone gets pain and suffering in their life, good and bad people. Everyone around and the people you surround. Pain changes you and could make a better human than yesterday. We say bad people hurt us, but if you couldn't find out who was bad, you could've never known about the good that exists. People are everywhere, around us and in memories. I stand alone in the winds whole night, gazing at the stars, and admiring the moon and its shine. I've lost sleep, and laying on bed doesn't help me. I write my pain down the book, I suppose if it is only the paper that understands. I sometimes leave the paper empty, because that is how i exactly feel mostly. I'm full of life, breathing and heartbeats, but there resides emptiness within me that no one could look into. If it is how pain has changed me, i cannot be moving further with it. Life has entitled me as "Depressed" and probably a few understand. Mentally sick or out of senses, anything that people may define or judge. Their laughs and mocking won't make a grudge. It is how i am, or it is how i live. I find beauty in nature, how lively and magnificent. But if humans are a part of nature, they must be beautiful too. Apart i feel myself the negative, I might've been in illusion that makes me feel it's alright. There's no one to tell me i could be better or I'm good enough. But that doesn't matter.
I made a few people close to me, but I don't know if the time has made me far from the talks. I died for their attention and they made me do exactly how i said, "Die". Everyday, every moment i have been thinking all by myself, if it is how i am, then i might be wonderful and not knowing about that. I get excited and happy but then fear when it would be taken away. I don't cling onto the past, but the present had me anxious over the future. I found myself blades and made them run over my hands. Insanity has no limits, neither does our mind. But i hide my scars from people, else they judge us again. Each mark would remind me of cries and fights every time i thought to give up. I tried ending my life in different ways, but failed. I failed miserably in life, and death has made me fail too. But what if the life has been bringing something I've never thought of. Wait! Ending the life wasn't the answer, neither is staying how we are. But the mind has been consumed with numbness, dark emotions and blankness. So how it goes on, goes on. I may be an ordinary human, another human who just lives and walks on this Earth. But this could be you too. You could find it relatable to yours, your life and past. I do live this way or have i lived, you might've lived that way too. You've experienced the pain, so you're wonderful. Harsh and tough situations will only bring the best of you. I've found beauty in my daily lifestyle, you can do it too. If it is how life was designed, we just got to give the best and let it pass by. Find it relatable if the things that happened above, happened to you. You might be depressed or anxious. But have yourself alive this moment, and seeing the sun in the morning, admiring the magnificent sunshine. Society won't judge us, it is us who judge ourselves according to them. I live this way, i have the dark in my mind, i have a heart and a few of my kind. If I'm silent, and the silence could say, we will seek and find a way.