Best friends, they are supposed to be there for you regardless of what the hell you’ve managed to get yourself dragged into. Best friends, the ones that are never going to betray you, never supposed to abandon you, never supposed to let you do something that will affect everything in their entire life for the worst. Best friends, the only things that keep us from falling. But, there are flaws to this idea of a best friend. We can consider someone our best friend for the longest of times, but then they easily screw you over without so much as a consideration as to how badly it would hurt everything and almost everyone around.
I can say that in all honesty, he had it coming. He had done so many things to hurt me, to lead me on, to just break me into pieces. The part that gets me most is that no matter how hard I tried, I’d always be his second—not even his second, but tied for second. Yet, he still came around, still hugged up to me, still kissed me. So, I hung in there. But, then when things got to their worst and someone I had cared about for two years was there to help me, I took that without question. It was his best friend, and neither of us considered the downsides to our actions—hell, there was no downside in my mind. I didn’t feel bad, I didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel at all. I was numb.
But, numbness only lasted so long. Eventually the feeling fades to return the true ones. And that feeling screamed to me how much I missed the other guy—the one I actually loved. So, his best friend and I called our little secret friends with benefits off and I started to talk to the one I loved again. It was a secret that was never supposed to be reviled and it would never hurt anyone. It was nothing—a whisper on a stream or dust in the wind.
Ironically enough, the first night I got to hang out with the one I loved, the best friend was taking his chances with my love’s other second placer. I got to see with my own eyes how my guy’s reaction was towards one of his other girls doing even the most basic of things with his best friend. I got to see the smallest reaction to what it would be like if he found out what I had done. Not only that, but I had to talk to him about the other girl and his best friend. I had to give my view on it. And my view was this: If she is willing to make out with your best friend, she doesn’t care about you. I have to admit, Karma must have been ready to just slit my throat at this point.
So, Karma started to work her magic. We ended up getting on the subject of the girl that my love cared most for. I got to see a tear seep from his eye whenever she came into our conversation. I got to break by seeing and hearing how I would never be good enough. That ended our night and he left. I was broken, I was destroyed, but I was still in love with him. I figured that everything would be okay. Everything would blow over. That nothing would go wrong and that the worst had came to pass. It wasn’t like his best friend and I were doing anything anymore, right? So, how else would things get destroyed?
Simple…somehow information is leaked. I saw the guy I loved so much leave the birthday party of his best friend with one of my averagely good female friends who had a boyfriend hundreds of miles away. I don’t know what happened that night between them, nor does it matter in this case. His actions with her were understandable if they happened. But, it wasn’t till the next afternoon that everything came into view. How messed up it all was.
I asked him how his night was through a text, and he asked me how my last week had been. Short as that. I knew he knew. It hurt most when he told me I could come talk to him in person, but he wouldn’t look at me or speak to me. I was dead to him and just like this girl I despise with a passion. He compared me with the worst girl I knew and then said he would never reply, speak to, or forgive me.
Indirectly, another got destroyed. Another best friend of both mine and the best friend I slept with. I hadn’t even considered his feelings into this entire equation. But, seemed he suffered most of all—possibly more than even I did. Though, his emotions were hurt differently than mine and he doesn’t have to deal with the ridicule that came with my actions. He only had to have his heart broken. I had to have that along with the hatred that came along. Four friends gone. One best friend’s heart broken. And finally, the fact that I ended up with all the blame and hatred of what happened. The girl is always considered the bad person. The guy will be forgiven and let back into the circle. I’m out. They will never forgive me like they will him.
So, tell me, how good is a best friend? I destroyed one of my best friend’s heart, another best friend betrayed two of his, and no one was left untouched by our actions. Best friends, they are supposed to be there through everything. Had I have been a best friend, I would not have every done that. Had the one who committed the crimes with me of been a best friend, he wouldn’t have. Had we of considered at all what would come of our actions, neither of us would of done them and none of this would have happened. I would still be happy sometimes and not like I am right now. But, alas, things did happen. And now the worst part is, I can do nothing to fix them.
No amount of times that I say sorry, I will never be forgiven; the damage will never go away. But, I’m sorry—what for is hard for me to say. I believe I’m sorry for hurting so many. But, am I sorry for sleeping with a guy I cared about for two years? No. I’m not sorry for that. I’m sorry it hurt the people it did. I’m sorry that it hit a nerve in so many. I really, truly am sorry that no one can see my logic. I see theirs, I can see why they are pissed and why I’m a devil to them, but they can’t even consider the fact that I wasn’t completely in the wrong and that I wasn’t the only one that did things. I made a mistake in their eyes, and as far as how it affects me, it was a mistake. But, it wasn’t a true mistake. I was broken from what my love had done—was doing to me without even noticing or caring. And the best friend had an escape that looked beautiful enough. I took it, and I’m not sorry for that part. I’m sorry that no one else understands and that I hurt someone.
One week can completely change everything—one day, or even more brief moment can ruin everything. Think before you act, never leave out a factor if you care about that factor at all, and most of all, consider it from others’ point of views. Wrong in their eyes may be okay in yours. But in the end, you’ll be suffering if your right and their wrong are different things. You’ll have to deal with the ridicule and everything that comes with it. You’ll have to be shunned and lose more than you would ever wish to. Our actions as humans are flawed. We are bound to make mistakes, and our consciousness will tell us usually if we are wronging, but sometimes there is a fine line. Like in my case, any other guy would have been okay for me to do things with, but the fact it was a best friend to the guy I was on-off talking to was the killing factor. Consider everything. Don’t let yourself be left open for destruction to come on in. Keep your guard up and your mind sharp.
