This Life of Mine

The Start of the End

Sitting in the darkness, at the stroke of 11:57pm, I lay wide awake, my mind full of thoughts. I thought back to the year before, to the present and to the months that are about to come at me. I lay in the darkened silenced, and just thought. My thoughts ran back here and there, all ending in the conclusion that... I hated life. I couldn't put it any simpler. I hate life and all the wicked ways that come with it. Actually, hate is a strong word. I'd say that I dislike life with a passion. There you go, I guess that;s better. I lay in the darkness, and just listened. The voices of my past coming back and reminding me of the life that I once lead all those months ago - almost like a lifetime ago.  All the memories dripped from the frames that hung all around the room, yet again a distant reminder of what I used to know. I wish I could start off somewhere, and explain to you why I feel the way I do, or why I'm in the situation that I'm in. But truthfully, I have no explanation. I guess life works in mysterious ways. It throws sadness upon you, troubles and a heck lot of pain, and expects you to survive through it with a smile. But what happens when you've forced the same smile far too many times? What happens when you've hit rock bottom? I guess it can only go up from there. You can't stay at the bottom forever...can you?

January 6th – The Start of the End.

The light seeped through the dusty blinds, illuminating the darkened room. The birds chirped, a merrily song, as they go about in the morning breeze, an indication of the start of a brand new day. I lay in bed, listening to the morning around me, the sound of coffee cups clinking, the hushed murmours buried behind the cement walls. I loved the mornings, where my mind is awake but my eyes aren't. I love hearing myself think, instead of the usual chatter from family, as they walk around in their daily routine. Most of all, I loved the silence.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING." What now? I thought as I opened my eyes to the brightness that almost blinded me. 7:00am, the screen flashed. "It's time to wake up and shake up." I muttered, still half blinded, my eyes full of sleep as I buried my head in the depths of the soft pillows. I've been awake for hours now, but it's just dawned on me that I'll have to actually get up and be productive today. I groaned as the alarm rang out again, the sharp buzz of the jingle bouncing off of my ear lobes. It was January 6th, the start of the new school term, and after a cold and rather lonely Winter break, it was nice to wake up to a sunny start. Rising out of bed to be met with a smiling mother standing at the door way of my room, carrying a tray with coffee mugs and buttered bagels, was not a half bad sight to wake up to. "Morning, school today!" she grinned. I rolled my eyes, and took the coffee mug before heading to the bathroom for first dibbs. I didn't hate school, but I didn't love it either. Six hours a day, spent with illiterate morons who only cared about the contents of their make up bags wasn't what I'd hoped for when I first stepped into the doors of High School. But I guess that's part of growing up, you either love it or lump it, it's your choice. The only good thing was that I had a hearty group of friends who kept me as sane as you can get when living around our area, to get me through the school years. I was in year Nine, the third year of High school, so I knew my ropes around the hallways and knew not to look the alarmingly tall Year Elevens  in the eye,when walking through the so called "Smoker's area". I was comfortable, life wasn't bad, and I was ready to start the new year.

I suppose I'd rather introduce myself first, and tell you a little bit about me before we get plunged into the weird twists and turns of my life. I'm just your average socially awkward fourteen year old, living in the grime washed streets of Manchester. I'm not the happiest of people, but after a while you learn to deal with these random cases of self hatred, and other teenage hormone infested feelings. Life at home was just normal. Far too normal for my liking. I dreamt big, I dreamt of venturing out into the world, making a name for myself. I didn't want average or normal, I wanted adventure, I wanted to feel on top of the world. It was hard making it big nowadays though. If you didn't have the right look, the right weight, the right height, or the right clothes, you were a nobody. You were just one of those people who had stand on the sidelines as you watched these perfectly built, fame driven somebodys living out your dream.  That's how society worked, the popular "pretty" people were remembered, while those who seeked individuality, were forgotten. If you liked rock music, you were emo. If you were inspired by Kurt Cobain, you were suicidal. If you starved yourself, you were attention seeking. Whatever you did, there was a label that followed, and you just had to survive through it with a smile. That's what I hated most about living in Manchester. It was a crime ridden territory, and you only just made it if you had a couple of quids to spare for drugs and alcohol. It was sad how fourteen year olds like myself, wasted their lives away, losing their virginity and being passed out on the gutters, it wasn't what I wanted for my future. While other people my age were losing their diginities, I sat at home and did what I liked to do best. Which was write, photograph, edit and work on my computer skills. I longed for a place to call my own, where I could mix tapes till my heart's content. I wasn't into parties. I wasn't into going out and shopping. I liked being on my own. I wasn't a loner or anything, I had friends, I just preferred the company of my laptop and books. In the computer world  I was free to imagine and to create. In the book world, my mind was free to wander, and I was content with that. But I wanted more, I wanted danger and excitement. I spent most of my years watching time pass me by, cliche I know, but I didn't live, I pretended. When the clocks chimed twelve on the eve of New Year, I wished for a new start...for my world to be tipped upside down. But now as I sit here writing this, in a cluttered room, hundreds of miles away from my friends, and from the town I used to know. I kind of miss my old sheltered life. I guess sometimes, you have to be careful of what you wish for.