"Do you understand now?" asked the man in the white lab coat. "It’s a matter of balance." he turned to face the floor to ceiling black chalkboard on the wall of the lecture hall and took a deep breath before continuing, "or to be more specific; it’s the balance of matter."
The small panel of observers sat quietly at a long table. The thirteen of them alternated between writing notes, stamping out smoldering cigarettes, glancing down at their feet, and collectively waiting for someone else to speak. Finally, the center most figure ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He leaned forward and said slowly, “I think I speak for myself and the entire UN defense panel when I say, ‘No. Dr.Beethoven, we do not understand.”
The doctor approached the table and blinked patiently, “Well sir, I apologize for speaking on such a technical level, but such a technical description is warranted for such…” he hesitated, “technical conundrums.”
"Can you try." said the man pleadingly. "Just for the sake of me and the rest of my ignorant panel here, try, to explain this to us in the simplest terms possible."
The man in the white lab coat cleared his throat and stared at the high ceilings in the theater sized lecture hall. “Okay…” he said finally. “Okay, look at it this way. The Earth produces gravity. The downward force that keeps everything on the Earth. It keeps everything from falling off or spiraling into space like a ball of dust in a swirled glass of water. That force is constant. It is clearly defined and measurable. We know the total force of gravity pulling down on the Earth. And that is what holds us together. The sucking on the end of the straw that keeps all of us suspended in the center like a…” he hesitated. “like a bit of cherry in a milkshake. Now imagine for a moment that you took that same straw, with the cherry held inside of it, and you had someone else suck on the other end of the straw. Imagine that they suck on it slowly at first, just a brief moment of pressure. The lightest tingle of force on the end. But over time, this effort increases. The force grows. It expands.” the speaker wiped his brow with the back of his hand leaving a wet trail of chalk dust. “Until one day. Eventually. The force becomes greater than that on the other end of the straw. Suddenly the cherry begins to move backwards up the straw and…” He suddenly stuck out his tongue and made a loud Pfffft sound, blowing spittle debris back and forth across the panel of listeners. After a stunned pause he finished, “The entire milkshake would explode out the wrong end of the straw.”
The panel blinked at him and wiped their faces with their sleeves. The man in the center sat motionless letting the words seep into his understanding. “And you are saying that this alternate force, the one working against gravity is-“
"Yes," the scientist cut him short. "Vacuum cleaners." He pointed back to his diagram on the board. "The simple innocuous household device. But throughout the past hundred years of their use they have only advanced further and further. Now they are so powerful and so abundant that I’m afraid my estimates show there is enough vacuumous energy potential already sitting in closets around the world that if they were all turned on simultaneously the world would immediately lose material cohesion and some of us would be passing Saturn by the time our bodies gave in to the icy teeth of space." He placed his hands flat on the table and made eye contact with each of the members of the panel in turn, "Ladies and Gentleman, the world is already in danger. There is only one possible solution, as I have already demonstrated. You must act! Unless you decide, TODAY, to ban the design, sale, distribution and use of vacuum cleaners in every nation of the world we may not have a tomorrow to reconsider this in."
The room buzzed quietly.
"Please…" the man said softly.
The central delegate scribbled some notes in his yellow pad. “And your alternative method?”
"Yes." the man said brightly. "Yes. My alternative. The problem with vacuum cleaners is the vertical forces at work in their operation. So, my solution involves lateral force. It is perfectly benign. All it needs is simple common lubricant of the surface and it can work just as well as the current models I am asking you to outlaw today."
The panel faced each other and nodded solemnly. “Then I think I understand what we must do. Thank you Dr.Beethoven.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The following morning’s newspaper was delivered to the office of the president of the Hoover vacuum company with a small envelope attached. President Marvin K. Hoover the fifth read the headline casually on his way to his desk, then immediately collapsed into his chair and read it five more times to be certain.
UN COUNSEL IMPOSES WORLD WIDE BAN ON VACUUM CLEANERS
He brought both hands to his reddening face and choked slightly in an attempt to breath. After a long coughing fit past he slowly reached out with a trembling hand to take hold of the envelope which he clumsily tore into. It contained a brief hand written letter with a familiar script.
Dear Marvin,
I imagine you have seen the news this morning about the UN decision made yesterday evening. What a horrid shock it must have been for you! After all of these years of conflict between yourself and I, and our two companies. I’m as shocked as you are, I assure you. I was already preparing my resignation speech to read at my company’s bankruptcy announcement signalling an end to our eternal feud. And then this! This happens from out of no where. What a turn!
I hope there are no hard feelings, old friend. I know sales of your latest unit were at their peak at last report, and now this will surely ruin you and your company by the weekend. But if it is any consolation, stock in my once vanishing enterprise skyrocketed with today’s announcement. Let me know if you are interested in a job working in the mail room, or if you would rather, I know of a nice bridge nearby with a decent view, and conveniently short guardrails. I’ve included a map.
Best wishes,
Dr. Emerald Beethoven
President and CEO Mops’R’Us Incorporated
