Nomad

Max and the Never-Ending Feeling

I'm not sure what to do. It's as if I can never escape this bottomless pit of emotions. And the funny thing is that I created that void of emotional waste to keep my head and heart clear to do me. Obviously that wasn't enough. All it takes is a name to have me slipping, tripping, or straight up flipping back into the feels. As of recent it can be presumed that the only things getting me back to my little reality are my constant failures; failure to express my emotional side, failure to ask for people's true opinion of me instead of appointing my self-hatred from the .
Max is the type of person who can't show emotions, no matter how much I try to motivate myself to do so. I try to relate to people or tell people how I feel about anything and... nothing. I'm plagued by the disease of overthinking. And to keep it a buck, it's sucks. I try to live life simple as hell to keep the stress away but I just keep getting haunted by the decisions that I never made, the shots I never took, the chances I've never taken.
Melanie has always been at the back of my mind since high school, she was one of those chances I dared not fathom as a choice. I've never become as easily undone mentally as I am at this moment. My heart is just now calming down from the tornado that caught me off guard internally. I hate that I feel so deeply. It took me a few years to build my walls to keep bitches out, and to think that in just a matter of seconds this one beautiful ghost could come back to leave a major crack in my defenses.

What the fuuuuuuck?! Coño!! I screamed in my head just to avoid waking up whoever this girl is in my room.

No. No no no no no no... NOOOOO! Again yelling at myself in complete mental solitude. At this point I'm pacing back and forth, up and down, left and right, I'm throwing that ass in a circle. I'm trying to do anything to get my mind off of that angel or demon, not sure which to call her.

Then from the side of my bed I heard the softest yawn, followed by an even softer "whatcha doing babe?"

I stopped pacing in shock. My left foot still in mid-air as if the snakes of my past were rearing their ugly heads straight through the floors beneath my feet. And with only a 5 second delay I snap at her with the all-too-familiar phrase "The fuck did you just call me? "

I chuckled a bit then followed up with "I'm just fucking with you". I shrug it off my shoulders and then just go ahead and lay my stressed ass down.

There is always something to help me lose my mind a bit. And 11 out of 10 times, chances are I caused said mind lost. C'est la vie, as the French would say. I don't know what it is or how it came to be that I am so stressed out, but I am; and I'm tired. For years I've been at war with myself. Belittling myself. Not supporting myself. Always dependent on how people perceive the MAX that they see, without giving myself the benefit of being the dopest nigga that I know I can be.

Melly knows the real me. The original Max. The Max that I thought was forever lost in the past. That queen of a woman knows how to touch my soul with her smile and kind words. I knew her back when I was just learning how to have a ball. Situations in this present day are just circumstances from the decisions I made back in those days without a care for these days I'm drowning in now. Too bad I haven't been myself in a while, I used to be able to swim easy like Michael Phelps.

"Hey so like wassup? What you doing later because I'm sorry but i have to kick your ass to the curb. I'm about to have a have a very self-destructive meltdown. Followed tightly behind by a huge boost of volatile energy from all these negatively charged electrons coursing throughout my body derivative from the stressed out mush inside of my cranium. And I would really like to do this alone, if you do not mind Madame."

I flashed Susan a weird smile. It was equal parts restlessness and disappointment. Is it Susan? Or Sharon was it? Fuck my nigga. I dead ass forgot the bitch's name again. It doesn't matter. She's getting the fuck out of here anyways. So i ain't too worried about that.

Ambar is just sitting