Dysfunctional

I Hate Me Too

          Most people don't like me. Its always been that way. I understand why now, but I didn't always. People hate me for a lot of reasons, but I promise, I really do try.
          When I was little, I was slightly dramatic and a little bossy, but no more than any other child. The trend in school however, was to dislike me. A now close friend of mine, Jonah, made fun of me for 3 years on absolutely no basis other than it was what was done then. He tells me now he never had an opinion, bad or good, of me, just joined the fad. I never understood why people hated me, but I stopped being self conscious about what I said and did outwardly, because I knew no matter what people would hate me.
          As I got older, I got louder and more vulgar. I used to be able to change how I acted around different people. My best analogy is that I was like a multi-sided die. You rolled for whichever of my 'personalities' was best for you. I knew how to be quiet and PG,  loud and offensive, I could be quiet and make sexual humor. Less people began to hate me. But then Cole happened.
          I met Cole online, through some friends. When we started talking, I was happily in a relationship with my close friend Lareigha. Before Cole, I was completely satisfied in my relationship. I felt safe, I wasn't insecure about whether she really cared about me, and the only thing that bothered me was the running I had to do at the end of the day to see her, since she is a year younger than me and we didn't have any classes together. I started talking with Cole, and the things he said made me completely forget everything I had. I was convinced Lareigha had never cared for me, suddenly furious that I was the only one trying in our relationship, and miserable with her. After a few days of talking to Cole, Lareigha and I broke up. We had been happy together for 3 weeks and Cole showed up and shattered us in a second. Cole and I began dating immediately, and he convinced me it was fine because it made me 'happy'. So what if Lareigha was hurt and literally shattered a mirror to harm herself? All I needed was him.
          It was amazing for two weeks. He called me every single day and we talked about serious things, and about starting a family together. Looking back, it was insanely creepy. I've still never met him. One day, I came home from seeing a musical, and he called me and told me he'd cheated on me. Naive fool I am, I stayed with him, and instead he later broke up with me. I have been completely broken since. Not in a pining for him way, just an absolute inability to function. Suddenly, I am constantly depressed, and I broke my 5 month record of not cutting by squeezing a light bulb until it shattered. I could no longer switch personalities. I am stuck in a constantly depressed, suicidal slump I interrupt with loud offensive jokes and intense vulgarity to try to make myself feel better.
          So people hate me again. I can't help it. I can't figure out how to fix me, and im terribly sorry to all the people I have been pissing off, annoying, and even triggering. I really am trying. I'm not disregarding what you say. I just can't control myself anymore. I know you all hate me. I hate me too.