Crazy

Chapter Seven

I walked out the front door to see Hunter sitting on the hood of my car. He had a big smile on his face and a bunch of flowers in his left hand, his right hand behind his back. I couldn't help but smile at the big goofy grin on his face. He slid off of the car and walked up to me, all the while his right hand remaining in hiding. By now he was standing directly in front of me, and with me being on the step I was actually at eye level with him. His smile grew bigger as he held the flowers out to me. White roses with pink tips, my favorite kind of flower.

"Kitty," he whispered on the edge of his own breath, "you have no idea what these past few weeks have been to me, what you have grown to mean to me. I want you to know how special you are. I want to be there for you for the rest of your life, to involve you in my life and my music."

He pulled his right hand out from behind his back and held a small black notebook out to me. As I took it confusion filled my head. I opened it up to see song lyrics. Hunter began to hum out a tune, then began patting his thighs, making music out of nothing. As his sweet voice picked up the words off the page I remembered what made me fall in love with him two years ago, when I first heard "Wanted" playing through the speakers in my car. Tears welled up in my eyes as his lyrics filled my mind. The only problem was that I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe this moment. Couldn't believe the words he was singing. I couldn't let something happen between Hunter and me. He was so innocent, so full of love, so full of hope. I would hurt him, destroy him. I couldn't do that to someone so perfect, someone so... So good.

pretty soon he was done with the song and he took a step forward. He placed his hand on the side of my face and leaned in to me, closing the space between us. I could taste the mint toothpaste on his breath, mixing perfectly with the scent of coffee. His lips crashed into mine right as my eyes shut. It was something I had never experienced before, and I couldn't tell whether I liked it or not. I think I wanted to, but my head didn't want me to. The part of my mind that wanted to live forever in solitude told me to push him away, to shut him out, to block his number and never speak to him again. But I found myself letting him kiss me, found myself deepening the kiss. then I found myself pulling away, retreating back inside my head, tears spilling over my eyelids.

"Hunter, I- I can't do this. This isn't right. I- I just can't." I pushed past him and kept going toward the car.

"Kitty, what are you talking about? How is this not right? I've never felt something more right before in my life!" His arms fell down to his sides, a look of hurt on his face. "Kitty, nothing is more important to me than you. This," he held out the notebook, "is nothing compared to you. I would walk away from Atlantic forever if it meant I could have you for just one more minute. If I could call you mine, that is all I want. Why can't you get that?"

I had my hand on the driver's side handle at this point. It would be so easy to just get in, drive off to school, and never speak to him again. But I did it. I looked up at him. I saw the hurt I had already caused just by saying no. I wanted him, wanted to let him hold me and comfort me. I couldn't just walk away now after seeing him standing there at my front porch. I was his happiness. And for someone who has no happiness, that hit me hard. I couldn't take that from someone and leave them like me. But then the voices came back to the front of my mind. The what ifs. The you're worthless's. The self hate and self doubt.

"Hunter, I'm just a broken soul. You saw what has been going on in my life for years all within the first day you knew me. And I've been dealing with that for seventeen years. You stuck around for an extra three weeks. For what? For me? I'm just going to tear you apart. There's nothing that I can give you that you'd want. I've got too much wrong with me, you have to understand that. I'm broken beyond repair. You can't fix me, no one can. That song was beautiful, but I'm not the girl in the song, I can promise you that. I'll never be all that you need me to be. I love you, Hunter, but it's not about what I want anymore. I wanted my sister to be happy. I wanted my mom to be happy. I wanted to be happy. But instead what do I get? I get to find my sister, my mom, and my piece of crap father all laying in a pile inside of a dumpster outside of an old Italian restaurant! Do you know what that does to a person? I've never been normal, and now, my life is even more screwed up than it has ever been. Do you understand what I'm going through? How tempting it is to join them? I go to school and kids whisper about me behind my back. They're afraid of saying the wrong thing to me, of setting me off. Sarah and Crystal try to be there for me, but it will never be the same. I used to go to the sleepovers just to escape Kat and her breakdowns and mom and her pretending everything was fine. But now I have a constant reminder of everything that I've always despised about my life. No one looks at me the same anymore. I'm no longer Kitty, that slightly weird kid at school that people avoided just because I was different. Now I'm Kitty, that kid that everyone stares at, that fragile girl who might snap and lock herself in a bathroom stall with a pair of scissors if someone says the wrong thing to me. Even Sarah and Crystal have started putting filters on themselves when they're around me! Look at me, Hunter! I'm breaking into pieces, but all because of the world around me. Is that what you want in a girlfriend?" The tears poured down my face now.

"Kitty, get in the passenger seat. And give me the number to your school, you're not going in today and I think it would be better if I called them instead of you right now," Hunter said, walking briskly to the driver's side.

I switched over to the passenger side and gave him the school's number. He quickly dialed and held the cell phone to his ear. He flashed me a weak smile, concern in his eyes as he waited for the receptionist to pick up.

"Hi, this is Hunter Hayes. Yes, the musician. Uh, no, I'm not. I'm sorry. Yeah, I was just calling to tell you... No. I was calling to tell you that your student Kitrina Soles will not be there today. She's... No. She's sick. She's got this crazy fever, 101. She asked me to come over this morning, she woke up in a cold sweat. She's craving sushi, if that tells you anything. She hates sushi. Yes. Do you usually get cravings of things you hate when you're healthy? Ma'am, I'm trying to be respectful here. Yes, she's alive. She's just sick. I'm taking her to the clinic. She's in no state to drive right now. Ma'am, can she just please get an excused absence? Thank you. I promise she'll be back in school as soon as she feels better. Thank you, ma'am," he hung up and laughed as he stuck the phone back in his pocket of his leather jacket.

"Crazy fever of 101, cold sweat, craving sushi. I must be dying. I've never craved sushi," I cracked up at Hunter's make believe sickness.

"Well, what did you want me to say? 'Excuse me, ma'am, I'd like to ask for an excused absence for Kitrina Soles, she's playing hooky today because taking this Friday off and extending this weekend to three days to disappear and adventure the Mitten is more important than vocabulary words and learning about Abraham Lincoln,' kinda would not get you the day off."

We both cracked up at that. This is what made me fall in love with him. He put the shift in reverse, and backed down the short driveway. As we drove off into the beautiful sunrise I realized something. This wasn't the end of everything that I had known for seventeen years, this was the beginning of an adventure that no one would ever make any sense of. It ain't right if you ain't lost your mind, right? Maybe this was just the crazy I needed to get me out of this darkness.