Ghost Blog

Ghost Blog 001 | Chapter 1

GAVIN

I ran like there was no tomorrow.

I did not know where I was going. What I did know was that I had to get away. I could not breathe. I was trapped even though I was already out of the hallways. I felt the walls closing in on me though there were no physical walls to see. I was lost. I was shaking. I was mad.

My eyes were burning from the tears that continued to flow. I could not see very well, but I knew the university like the back of my hands that I did not bump into anything. But what was worst than any pain from a possible collision, was the eyes that followed me as I made my dash to escape. I had to get away. I did not know what else to do, except that I needed to be away from the whispers and the stares and the truth.

I had to get away from the truth.

The sound of the first bell rang but it was so far away. I could hear it nonetheless. It echoed inside my already throbbing chest and reminded me that however you tried to muffle something as blaring as a school bell, you wouldn't be able to stop someone else from hearing the sound. It was almost impossible at any given time that a school bell be silenced; unless you turned it off, or unless you took out everyone that had ears to hear.

Just like a secret; it will always find a way to be heard.

I can't understand why it should be mine.

I have been so careful. I didn't want to hurt so many people. I can't begin to imagine what would happen next. I am so afraid of what will happen next.

But, this is entirely my fault. This is all because I succumbed to the temptation that had been crawling under my skin for so long.

I have tried so hard to suppress them. I have tried for so long not to listen to the yearnings that keep on pushing me to stare, to reach out, and to touch. But in the end, I am weak. I was not strong enough to resist.

My legs finally gave up. I had to stop. The muscles in my legs were trembling from the running.

I looked around me and there were just trees and trickling water at a distance. I somehow managed to bring myself to the very back of the university where there was nothing but unused land and the polluted water of a dying river.

It was dirty, it was parched, it was dying...just like I was.

"Arrggghhhh!!!" I screamed and fell on my knees.

There was a something lodged in my chest and the lump was crushing my heart. My lungs were barely large enough to supply me with oxygen although I was already wheezing from the exertion.

"You are stupid, moron," I blamed myself, "You are a good for nothing piece of work Gavin, you are a freak!" My voice cracked as I broke down and covered my face; the tears kept falling and the sobs were hard and cruel.

"FAAGGGOOOTTTT," I screamed, my throat hurting as I cursed myself.

I remembered Gabrielle's face, the slap that still stung like a ghost limb on my face. I felt so sorry for her.

Yes, she was a cover-up. Somebody to divert everyone's attention so that they didn't find out about these stupid feelings that have began to creep in when I was 13 and I haven't had the strength to keep them in.

But we were friends and now we weren't.

We grew up together and she has always been very vocal that she was going to marry me. And I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. I would have broken her heart. So when she said that she liked me, I answered yes, I liked her too; because I really did.

Now I ended up hurting her anyway.

I was down on the dirt. The pounding in my heart was so loud and I continued to sob as I berated myself that I was an abomination. Just like my Mom and Dad always said gay people were. I felt so dirty, so much dirtier than the ground I was on.

I cannot begin to imagine what my parents will say when they find out. And they will find out. This town is too small to keep things like this.

"Fuck you Gavin," I screamed at myself, not even thinking that my voice would somehow attract attention, "Fuck you for being weak."

And a fresh barrage of tears came.

I was drowning in self-loathing. I hated myself so much that I wanted to die.

I did not know how I could face anyone else after what has happened. I did not know how to keep living.

Until anger took over.

I began to wonder who would hate me so much as to do that. Who would benefit from outing me in public when I was my right to out myself if I wanted to; when I was ready to.

I wonder how Drake was taking it?

Drake, the quiet and shy guy that was always in front of his computer; not really realizing that he had the most beautiful eyes on any man that I have ever seen. How his smile would light up his face on the few instances that he would look up from the laptop that was on his lap during those early times when we still did not know each other.

I remember the first time I talked to him. His eyes became huge in surprise that I sat next to him and started a conversation. But he was easy to talk to. He is so smart. It's been a year since and sitting next to each other on the bus every day has gotten us closer.

Close enough that I kissed him. And he kissed me back.

But we are nothing more than that.

We both wanted what happened. We just couldn't stop ourselves during that first time, that time when that picture was taken.

I suddenly remembered our conversation the night before.

Why was he asking such questions?

Why was he being clingy all of a sudden?

Why was that blog post suddenly there in the morning after that conversation?

Where was Drake?

What was he doing with his laptop all this time?

"The fuck," I cursed. My hands balled into fists as a thought ran through my head. What if? What if it was Drake who was behind all that was happening.

I knew that my life was over. I knew that I was shamed and will be the center of humiliation even from those I call a friend. But damn will I accept it without hitting back.

I finally stood up. Wiped the tears off my face and looked towards the direction of the university. If I was to go down and wallow amongst the muck, then I might as well take down whoever it was who got me there.

"I will kill you, you bastard!"