Tenerife Sea

III. long and winding road

Mid September 1995

The days leading up to the party were dreadful. I kept thinking if I'd made the right choice to take Chris upon his offer and I was convinced it was going to be catastrophic and that it would leave me with a permanent scar of a bad experience. Rho had said I was over-analyzing and perhaps I was, I just felt like a tiny mouse in a room of elephants. Bury the castle, relax Simon. But this castle was growing in size and the enemy troops were towering over me, ready to invade.

Rhosyn joined me in my dorms the afternoon of said gathering. Usually girls weren't allowed in the boys dorms and vice versa except she managed to get it, all with her own wit, charm and strategy. I dare not question it but as she put her caramel coloured hair around the large door, it caused a smile to appear on my face as I turned around from my desk where I had been scribbling a plan for the next classical civilisations lesson. "Heyo- Simon- thought you could do with some company, and we have to talk about tonight. Look snowy owl, you can do this and I'll be right beside you. " She encouraged and I was grateful for that and her smile. "I can't, I don't know why I said yes in the first place. I won't fit in there and you know that." I finished, as we sat up against the wall on my bed. She shrunk in her stature slightly, giving me an exasperated sigh, "Just get off planet Simon and take risks, please, I'm sure you'll be fine and if you absolutely hate it, you can leave simple as that." I looked over at her, feeling the tight sensation in my chest as she seemed annoyed with me and I hated the idea of losing one of the only people in my life that I could confide in so I retracted my statement, "Oh I'm sorry honey, I just, I'll give it a go and I promise I will." I gave her a smile which she mirrored and we giggled for a moment, nudging each other and she rested her head on my uniformed shoulder. "That's my boy, you go Si, honestly once they put on Destiny's Child and Alanis Morrisette you'll see me vibing and then you will automatically because you're my designated dance partner. " Rho chimed and waved her hands in the air doing her signature arm movement, hands waving and swaying and it caused laughter to erupt from inside of me. "Wonderful, I'll make sure to make my escape by then." I joked before carrying on my sentence after earning some looks from my best friend, "of course, we made a promise that we'd never leave each other. Comrades till the end!" I shouted and after a lot of laughter later, Nolan walked in with red splashes across neck and he quietly entered the bathroom, "hold your tongue Simon, nothing happened." he instructed in his accent as myself and Rho began to chuckle, which turned into belly laughter until we were short of breath. Nolan was probably hooking up with another girl, that what he usually did after rugby and he always returned back flustered. I never criticized what Nolan did because he was being free. His family, Irish Catholics were incredibly strict and school acted as an escape, to be free. He was free to love and that to me was God Almighty's greatest gift. I wish that it were the same for me. Being me was difficult and I was accepting now that it always will be. There were always going to be people who called me a variety of names to do with how I felt inside and once upon a time that set fear into my bones, being a 14 year old. Time had passed and I was almost grown, if I could not accept myself then I would not get any happier and happiness triumphed over the opinion of others.

Several chats later about what Rho was going to wear, a sparkly number that she'd brought in town last year and her distracting me from doing my work, she left just after 5. She told me to hurry up and find something that wasn't posh to wear to the party and that was going to be a struggle. By now, Nolan had gotten ready and put his bungent cologne on and his hair decorated like spikes, all gelled up. I selected 'Tiny Dancer' by Elton John on my MP3 and danced about the room, finally choosing a blue polo and some jeans and smoothed my hair down into a sort of relaxed quiff. I thought that wasn't too bad for one of the gatherings, even though I hadn't been to one. When the song had ended, I left for the bathroom and looked into the mirror. Deep breaths, my subconscious brain told myself as my eyes focused on the mirrored version of myself. This other me, who didn't have a complex home life and expectations and anxiety that roared like a dragon inside of my stomach. It was as if he jumped out at me and showed me what a life full of joy and great things looked like, what I could achieve. There was a way out, I told myself, as the other Simon.