I finally went outside and closed the door behind me. I got some blood on my sweater and jeans. But funnily enough, I actually anticipated that so I wore dark colors.
8 The drive back to my dorm was just a constant replaying of the experience in my head. I guess that's still kind of happening even now, actually. But it felt pretty nice. Linda Watson is dead. I kind of let the weight of that sink in. The sensation of having completely removed a human life from existence. It's crazy. I don't know how else to describe it.
Anyway, I threw the axe and knife into a dumpster on campus, which I think is picked up every Monday, so they'll be gone by then. My roommate goes home on the weekends, so I have the dorm to myself today. It gave me the chance to go through Linda's website history. I was right in thinking that's where her deepest secrets would lie.
There was actually a lot of dirty stuff, like the names of websites for porn videos and stories and things like that. Same with her searches. A lot of the websites were boring, like cooking websites and recipes, and game websites like Bejeweled and stuff. I eventually got to the "one week ago" section of her history, and it gave me a chill.
There were a whole bunch of searches like "methods of suicide", "how to tie a noose", "dangerous household chemicals", "carbon monoxide poisoning" - like a lot of them. She was probably ready to write a book on suicide after all the research she did. So I guess Linda was contemplating suicide. I wonder if it was influenced by her depression.
The irony is actually striking. Maybe Linda was going to die anyway. Or maybe she couldn't find the courage to do it. If that were the case, I almost literally gave her a birthday present by killing her. That's actually really comical in a messed-up way, and it leaves a weird taste in my mouth. The part I don't get is that I didn't see any of those searches up until the "one week ago" section, nothing more recent than that.
I ended up throwing the laptop in the dumpster with the other stuff. It's been a few hours since then, so I've had some time to calmly think about everything. Like I said, it was pretty satisfying and I'm glad I finally got around to it. I feel like I can finally cross it off my bucket list, or like I'm tying loose ends with myself. This is probably the first and last time I'll write the name Linda Watson - it's back to living a normal college life, except I might do some people-watching every now and then because it's definitely fun and interesting.
But I'll always wonder how many people there are like me. I'm sure there has to be a lot, because there is just nothing strange about it to me, being curious about killing someone. Sadly, it's something that people can't exactly just talk about, so I guess I'll 9never know. I'm sure that anyone would just lie about it even if you asked them. But you can't help but wonder if that person in the grocery store, who stares at you as you pass by, might be considering what it would be like to kill you. If I could, I would tell them all about it, so they could decide for themselves. But who knows, maybe I got lucky, and that person is you. I actually really, really hope so.
