My Heart

Chapter 1

It all starts back when your a kid. You don't really think about it much then but as you look back now, you start to wonder where did the time. What happen between now then? you wonder why. Why was I the way as was I a child? Why cant I just go back to being care free and only worry in the world was when nap time was, when were you going to be able to do things. I remember I lot from my child hood, the fields of grapes in Germany, the playgrounds, the rivers, the beautiful birds, who as a child didn't seem so important but now it seems to make a difference. I was never really good at making friends and I grew up in a family with 5 siblings. so as result there was really no need for friends. I did play with other kids and when I was little I use to call people I talked to friends but now that I'm older I relies that those people weren't really friends. Just people I hung out with every once in a blue moon or I talk to during school because I was bored. However I did have some good times, like the field trip we took to see all the animal at the Gulfairium in Florida, the Easter egg hunt we did in a small town on this big park ground, which really was just a field but as a child it doesn't matter. The whole is your play ground and your imagination is endless. what shame that one day we all grow up and forget how much fun we had as kids, this is apart of life though. As well as the bad times to, I got pick on a lot, had sand thrown and kicked at me, called names, had my "friends" taken from me to go play with others and as a grew the bullying didn't stop but simple changed into a different form. In middle school (which for me started in 5th grade because I was back in Germany at the time) this kid kept making noses and poking me and doing everything he could to annoy me. Every day I come to school and it was the same, people I once thought I knew now are complete strangers, kids pushing you around or each other bumping into whoever with out a care in the world. That same kid that wont leave you alone, everyday in class. suddenly it changes, you get mad and blow up on the person or someone or in my case I stabbed him with a pencell in the hand. Yes, it did make him bleed, no he isn't hurt, probably doesn't even remember it happen, yes I did get in trouble for it, and no I haven't stabbed anyone since then. Though that was the day I relies what I could do to someone if I really tried but I'm a passive person. I don't like hurting others, in fact I will go out of way to make sure that you are safe and have what you need even if it mean putting myself in danger. some say I am way to nice others say I'm stupid but its just who I am and I cant help it. I use to say I'm sorry but I don't anymore because I got tried of apologizing for who I am. Anyways back to middle, After all that happen I started to get into sports and putting a raft in between me and other kids. I didn't speak to anyone unless they spoke to me or I had to. I kept to myself and that was best, even now I still do that. It started with softball, then volley ball for 2 years, and I was in choir way before middle school. those were my things and I was proud of myself for getting as far as I did with them. softball lasted until 7th because I sprang my ankle during a game and ever since it hasn't been the same. all but man I was so happy playing softball, I was very proud of my team as well. there were some amazing players, I will never forget them. choir I was in until I graduated high school, I tried to keep going but I didn't make the audition for the college. which is ok, there is always next year and if not I can always just sing for fun like I have been doing. any who back to being little me, I know I have skip around I a lot on y'all but please bare with me. growing up with 5 siblings is a pain in the ass but it does have its perks, like having someone to play with. we went out side a lot, played in mud puddles, cowboys and Indians in the forest around are house, pirates with coat hanger. which by the why is not a good Idea because someone can get seriously hurt, not that I would know. lol, no my brother had a coat hanger go through the top of his eye, it bleed really bad but he is fine and has no eye damage because of it. you know that whole don't try this at home, maybe there are some things that should be tried at all. Oh! we use to take paper or leaf's and burn them in a closet. When they call your mother magic they really mean it, because no matter what she always knew what we were up to. Don't mean we still didn't try, and doesn't make her mom of the year either because 99% of the time all she cared about was her damn phone or what her friends where up. me and my brothers where the closest, my eldest sister thought she was better then us and never had time for us. one time she was told to babysit us and just because we went outside to play in the mud she spanked us with a wooden spoon, she spanked my older brother so hard it broke the spoon. now she in her late 20's with a beautiful baby girl, married and doing pretty good. to me she still is a bitch, who only cares about herself but by the end of the day she still is family. my second oldest sister is an amazing artist, one of the sweetest people I know and has a heart of gold. when we kids she played with us a lot but also had her own space, went out with her best friend or stayed in her room drawling. now she is in her mid 20's, married and going to nursing school. my older brother has become very distance and self centered. he told me that he rather me and my son live on the streets because is girlfriend didn't like me. now they are broken up after 5 and half years because she has been cheating on him and ended up pregnant with another mans kid. all I have to say is karma is a bitch, I love you because you are my brother and we had such good times together but life came and bite you hard in the ass. my younger brother and me grew apart but that's because he has anger issues and slit mental disorder, the doctor have ran through so many meds with him its not funny, I love my little brother to death but he needs help. I wish I could help but if I try to step in and help him my parents will get mad and tell me its not my place. sometime I just knock them out and put them in there place, as parents your supposed to love your children unconditionally and be there for them no matter, my brother needs that love and guidance's but they wont give it to him. he is almost 18 and is no where close to finishing high school nor does he have a job or anything. I wish him the best and I going to try to be there as much as I can. my youngest sibling, she is adorable and annoying at times. she is always over dramatic, and a huge hypocrite. I love her to death but sometimes I just wanna lock her away in her room for the day. She does go through a lot though, she gets bullied at school and our mother told her she was fat, even put her on this diet. Its gotten so bad she started cutting herself because they just wont listen anymore. I pray everyday for them and I wish the best. My dad, he is a whole neither story. My dad was my rock, he was my whole world. every time he leave for deployment when I was little I cried my eyes out because as a little girl, he was the only one there for me, he loved all of us so much even my older siblings, though they aren't his blood children. he was kind, caring, loving, tuff and stern when needed. he made time for us even when he was tried and after every deployment he would bring us something back from where he got deployed. it damn shame he is a shell of the man he use to be, I blame my mother. she has changed him into what she wants him to be, what she thinks makes the perfect husband and he is just tried of fighting her. I pray to god that things change for my family because we were once great now we are drafted apart so much so its sad to think about. Well there is some back round of my family and what I grew up with, back to little me. As I got older I started becoming more distance from people. on my first concert for my middle school in south Dakota, I did a solo act in this black and cream sparkly dress. that was the first time I wear heals to. I remember that school so vividly. the lunch room was right there as soon as you walked through the front doors, the main office was right there in front of the lunch room on the left hand side, the gym was on the other side if you kept going straight, the choir and band room where on the right hand side in front of the lunch room. I took a home etch class, a Spanish even though I don't remember most of it. But in home etch we learned sowing, cooking, and many house old things. for my Spanish class we went out to eat at this Mexican place that was really good, but in order to eat we had to use the Spanish we learned to order. I remember one day the school went on lock down because of a mountain loin that came close to the school, and during the winter if your hair was wet it would freeze over and during the summer towards the end of school we had soda floats. I also ran a mile under 5 minutes at that school, I couldn't do that now if it were to save my life. I also started baby sitting there and I spent sometimes with my neighbors. we played a lot outside, building tunnels in the snow during the winter, and out on the fields using our imitation during the summer. I met this one girl named Skyler in school, we hung out a lot, I even spent the night at her house. she got in trouble once because we stayed out so late, because I had to baby sit for this couple that was working late, but our friendship was short lived. we don't talk anymore, in fact I don't talk to a lot of people anymore. its sad but its the way of life. anyways, we moved for the last time back to Florida and I went to two different middle schools for 8th grade, the first one I had gym class in the morning which isn't bad but when you run with a bunch of girls either stay a head or behind them, as we were going around the curve. They started doing zig zags with the lines and I trip over some and slid for a good minute, I still have the scars from that. then at the other one in choir we took a field trip and I did some crazy things. allergy pills and monster don't mix well. I didn't go to the hospital or anything but I was up for hours and I think I was a little high as well.

Well this completes this chapter, I know its probably boring and not what y'all expected but please bare with it gets better I promise. Everything gets worse before it gets better, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I hope y'all enjoy I'm story and keep if not, its ok but please keep your bad comets to yourself.