It's Time (Oneshot)

It's Time

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly

- Friedrich Nietzsche

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Where's the English Breakfast tea? I can't seem to find it anywhere. I strangle the old, crumbling mug in my hands, trying my hardest not to shatter it into a million tiny shards. We made this mug together on our third date at a pottery barn... Everything's different in these present days. The rays from our kitchen window warm up the chilling, eerie feeling in the room, soothing the surface of my skin as I watch him lie out there from the window, outside in a pool chair. I see his protruding, blue veins and bloodless skin gloss in the brightness like paper. All I wish to do is to scream at him. I want to punch him, to push him. I want him to feel what I'm feeling, the storm erupting in my sub-conscious, but instead I whisper to the glass panes.

"Existence is always superior to death, my love. I wish you could see that. I love you too much to give you away to god so soon. "

I simply can't stomach seeing him this way; the man I love is deteriorating right before me and yet I can't stop it, or ease his obvious pain. He doesn't need to tell me in order for me to know. Fifty years of marriage will do that to a pair. Just by his body language I can see; his face slightly scrunched and every fibre of his muscles tensed as he tries his hardest to seek some relief in basking under the sun. I can tell he's scared to do it. So am I. Though he appears to be satisfied despite his organs undoubtedly attacking themselves from the inside out. Attempting to distract myself, I divert my attention back to finding the English breakfast tea bags. Where are those buggers?

-switch in p.o.v-

Sometimes, knowing the pain of tomorrow is worse than knowing the pain of today. It makes you question whether existence is worth it at all. Sounds like some kinda bullshit some kinda theorist said once I guess. Am I going to leave a legacy behind? Will these decades of complete horse shit be worth it in the end? I hurt literally everywhere at this point in time, and jesus it sucks hard, but knowing that the pain I'm putting my family through will be relieved soon brings me comfort. The bills have become too hefty at this point, and no amount of rehabilitation or futuristic medicine is gonna fix me. Relief and life are no longer able to live together in harmony. The cancer is everywhere. The chemo has destroyed every other healthy-ish organ I got. At this point I am a slave in my own body, not able to make my own decision to leave, controlled by the overbearing dictator that is life. I'd rather just end it dignified, rather than weaken to the point of becoming a drooling vegetable whose shitty ass is wiped by his wife. Regardless of what she thinks, I stand for the freedom over my own body. I should be able to make that kind of decision, as hard as it is. I told her my plan just the other day, but even though she's been so emotionally supportive of me our entire marriage, this doesn't seem like something she's ever going to accept. I can't escape the image in my head. I can't stop seeing her cry every night. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but she's distanced herself from me for awhile now, for good reason I suppose. Instead, I whisper to the water.

"No words could ever explain the love I feel for you, my dear wife. I'd hate to leave you this way, with the cluster-fuck of emotional pain I know you bare on your back day after day. However, I also hate taxing on you, on our family, and I must take some initiative and do what's best for me. I wish you could feel what I feel, hear what I'm trying to tell you. I wish you could understand my pain. If someone values life so much like you do, they should also value that life's own choice to end."

I remember meeting her, that rainy night, fuck knows what year. She looked so beautiful. I was; I am, a lucky-ass man to even step into the same room as someone like her. She changed me for the better; I knew she was the person I was going to marry. I knew she was the person I was going to grow old with. My relationship with her was something I needed at that point in my fucked-up life. She made me feel worthy. She's my best friend, my soulmate through life. When the doctors told me the cancer was terminal, she was there with me through it all. Through all the blood, tears, shit and piss I expelled from my orifices. Through the countless rounds of chemo that inevitably destroyed me even more. She brought me my medicines, made me my meals, took care of our growing, snot-covered reprobates. For that, I am forever in her debt and grateful for her loyalty to me and our family. I feel gratified, as if the pain is slowly disappearing. I'm grateful that she's going to be the one who ends my physical pain. I told her that's what I wanted, as she was the one to cease my pain emotionally.

-switch in p.o.v-

I mix in two sugars into his English Breakfast tea, beginning to froth his milk. Is it expired? I'm not sure. Should I check? Why would it matter anyway at this point? There's a bottomless, murky pit in my gut, but I choose to ignore it for now. I can see his pain, I know he's suffering, but I just don't think it's right. Suicide is one of god's ultimate sins. He doesn't permit it. What he's about to do just devalues human life. If he does it, then what makes him think that out children won't think it's ok to copy? Where's my peppermint tea? This whole ordeal is causing my head to spin. A plethora of thoughts and emotions run through my head, each nagging at me for my attention. All I can think about is him. How am I going to cope for the rest of my life after he's gone? I'll be alone. Our children have long since grown up, and don't visit us much anymore. They have their own lives, and I don't want to disturb that with my sobbing mess of a head. Where am I going to get my kisses? My cuddles and sleepless nights forcibly making him watch Golden Girls with me? I stop myself from breaking down into a heap, a mush of body, soul, tears and pain. I'm trying my best to be strong for him in his last minutes.

It's time to end this. 

                                                                                               ~~